The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – Since Christmas Eve The Shadow has been held at the Franklin County Correctional Facility in lieu of $80 bail for possession of a Schedule I narcotic, with intent to distribute. Though he was initially charged with selling forged artwork as well, those charges were dropped because the forgeries were so poor. However, due to a delayed hearing caused by difficulties establishing the chain of custody of the evidence in his case, there has been no sentence handed down. And due to no one liking the bitch-ass Shadow, no one has scraped together eighty dollars to get him out. So, there he sat. Until Friday.

This still frame from security camera footage recorded during The Shadow’s daring escape from the Franklin County Correctional Facility, shows his more simian side. Maybe he’s a Gigantopithecus after all.

Continue reading "The Shadow Escapes from Franklin County Jail!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin [Ohio, not, like, the good Dublin] – Decanus Picto had been sort of missing in a weird way for quite a little while until this afternoon. That is, no one had seen or heard from Picto since he conducted a necromantic séance at Cornhenge, but we have to admit that we didn’t really look for him that hard. As a matter of fact, the only person who even said he was going to look was The asshole Shadow, after he conducted his own séance in the basement of the chateau. However, as we all know, The Shadow never resolved that situation, and instead stole our priceless Margaret James original, and then went to jail. So, I guess what I’m saying is that nobody actually looked for him, and given that, it’s kind of difficult to say he was missing, because how could you tell if someone’s missing if nobody looks or even makes a phone call? Anyway, this afternoon Picto surfaced via email, claiming that for the next two hours he was granting interviews to the press regarding the release of his second album. I dusted off the ol’ bus pass and jetted up there. Or, really, we went pretty slowly, and then I had to get a transfer to get to Dublin, and that took forever because I had to wait like forty-five minutes for the bus west from High street, and that sucked. But whatever. The point is that I got there, and recorded the following interview.

Picto, on the cover of Rockstar “magazine” kicking Satanic squirrel styles, and hocking his new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times. That’s an awesome title, right?

Continue reading "Decanus Picto’s Sophomore Album Release Date Announced!!!!!!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After our Christmas day article word got out to the goddess Danu that The Shadow had carelessly referred to her as a bitch. Danu has drafted the following letter in response.

The goddess Danu is super-pissed that The Shadow called her a bitch, so she’s going to crush some random people’s skulls. It’s like bubble wrap to her.

Continue reading "An Open Letter from Danu, the Goddess of Big-Ass Rocks (So LISTEN UP!!!!)" »

We're taking this week off. Please come back next Sunday for our first article of 2012 aka The Year Of Doom!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – After tolerating several weeks worth of sub-standard reporting, and no article at all last week, I have returned to BZ, even though my nerves are still shot. Mainly I was asked to return to investigate the disappearance of BZ’s priceless Margaret James original. Though I did not locate the centerpiece of BZ’s art collection, I did manage to locate The Shadow – in jail.

The Shadow, pictured here in the visiting room at the Franklin County Correctional Center, at 370 S. Front Street, Columbus, OH 43215.

Continue reading "I'm Stuck in Franklin County Correctional Center, and Time Keeps Dragging On. . ." »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – Over the past several weeks, many strange things have happened in Clintonville’s famous Chateau 4030. First there was the incapacitating visitation of the BAGD in The Fat Kid’s apartment, and then there was The Shadow’s séance with the device, followed by The Shadow’s utterly predictable felony theft of the BZ gallery’s priceless Margaret James original. But these are really mundane things compared to what the BAGD said it was going to do to Decanus, The Fat Kid and The Shadow – drive them mad, and take them to hell. However, in other ways it looks like the BAGD’s curse may be coming to pass.

The BAGD’s ghost as it appeared in Dublin, Ohio in mid-October 2011. The camera really does add ten pounds.

Continue reading "The Curse of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device?" »

Clintonville - As The Fat Kid continues his convalescence behind the bolted door of his chateau suite, many of you loyal readers should be familiar as to why he cannot contribute to BlueZer0.net at this time. And, many of you do know that The Shadow has been filling in the last few weeks. What all of you don't know is it seems our favorite skunk ape isn't submitting an article this week and is avoiding our calls. However, we at BZ believe we know why he is laying low. So it's now up to me, Pimples Malone, BZ's webmaster and photographer, to share with you that understanding of why in this week's posting.

There are those of us associated with BlueZer0.net, Decanus and I for example, that despise The Shadow. He has burned most of us in the past. When I say burned I mean he has set us up for some really nasty shit including an abduction by aliens and the drinking of poisoned wine. There's one thing you can always count on when it comes to that furry bastard and his involvement in your project, he's working a scam or a con to take full advantage of your hard work. This time, with his filling in at BZ by leading the investigation into the Haunting of the Chateau Clintonville he has proved himself to be the same old dirty ape. With Decanus away with his Black Squirrels craziness and The Fat Kid drinking his way through sleepless nights the sasquatch we all hate had free use of the BZ offices. Now he is gone and so is our priceless Margaret James drawing.

The Two Wheeled Love Machine , as we call it, is a Crayola™ drawing created by the loving hand of Margaret James.

So stay tuned. The Fat Kid and Decanus will surely return to their former greatness and right this terrible wrong done against BZ and art lovers everywhere!

-Pimples Malone

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – You all remember from last week that I, The Shadow, left that fat, puffy fucker on the floor, catatonic from fright again. Well, Wednesday evening or roughly thereabouts that fat fuck woke up, and I was able to ask him what happened. He told me that an old guy, a redneck, and the BAGD – the trio of malevolent spirits that haunt the chateau – materialized in his apartment, and began to menace him in various ways including but not limited to pushing, taunting, and making weird faces at him. I asked fat boy what they said, and he told me that they told him “secrets, things heard only in hell,” and that we would hear them, too, when we went there. Then they showed him a vision of the abyss, accompanied by a song with a strangely familiar singer, at which point he lost consciousness.

Apparently, it wasn’t the spirits that haunt the chateau that scared The Fat Kid half to death, but rather the vision of hell that they showed him. The Fat Kid refuses to tell either the secrets they told him, or to describe hell itself, but BZ scholars think it most likely looks like this goofy Hieronymus Bosch painting from all types of back in the day. He also did this real stupid one with a canary that eats you, and makes other birds, like barn swallows or something, come out of your ass. Yeah, that’s not scary. Or it kinda is, actually.

Continue reading "Revenge of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device!!!!" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – After last week’s thrilling article detailing the haunting of Chateau Clintonville, the whole world has been waiting for this Sunday to come, desperate to hear what news from beyond. And I, Shadow Humperdink Esq., have delivered. I have conducted a séance in the basement of the Chateau, during the course of which I contacted the device, and learned many dark secrets of Clintonville, and the underworld.

The Shadow captured this picture of the BAGD’s ghost last week, and I felt like it wasn’t prominent enough in that article, so look again. Ooooooooooooo!

Continue reading "Thus Spake the Nightspirit – To The Shadow!!!!" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may have read on BlueZer0’s Twitter feed, The Fat Kid has had a complete mental break, and will not be available to write this week’s article. However, in recognition of my incredible skills, and because there is legitimate reporting to be done in Clintonville, BlueZer0 has asked me to fill in for that unstable chubsy fuck – and I’m doing it. In order to help out (and for a nominal fee), I have agreed to report this week’s incredi-fucking-ble news regarding Chateau Clintonville while fatso convalesces. By doing so, I will not only improve the overall quality of the site, but also further squash the fucktarded ancient-school rumors that he and I are the same person. So, everybody that thinks that can fuck off. Or eat a dick. Whichever.

The Fat Kid had a nervous breakdown after seeing the spirit of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device [picture above circa 2007] in the East Wing of Chateau 4030 in Clintonville. His future availability to write for the site is in question due to the shock and strain on his tiny brain, which is surrounded by at least six inches of fat. Ew.

Continue reading "The Haunting of Chateau Clintonville (featuring guest reporter, The Shadow)" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – The battle to determine who is the supreme production company of central Ohio commenced in a big way this past Tuesday night. As my Twitter followers surely noticed, I was part of a crew sent out to document the apocalyptic havoc the mighty Goatwhore wreaked upon central Ohio, and we did a few things to tweak the recordings to give them that special central Ohio trait known as balls-soundingness. But that’s not all.

This version of Goatwhore’s “Apocalyptic Havoc,” recorded at Columbus’ famous metal club Alrosa Villa on 11/1/11, has been specially Ohio-ized to sound as much like balls as possible. It took a lot of painstaking work to obfuscate the excellence of this Goatwhore track, but we think we pulled it off rather well.

Continue reading "BZ Productions’ Goatwhore Remix" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Contrary to popular belief, Columbus is not a backwater filled with tobacco-chewing rednecks. I mean, it is in Ohio, so there are many tobacco-chewing rednecks here, but there are also those of us who wear clean shirts, and have more than eight teeth, and own toothbrushes, and so on. And those of us who fall into this latter category occasionally try to create little oases of cultural activity here and there – usually on nights when there aren’t any barn dances or hay rides (so, about ten or fifteen times per year). Because of this cultural activity, and because of the availability of camera equipment in this fully digital age, new business opportunities have opened up in the fields of videography and production right here in Columbus. For instance, several weeks ago, Immolation’s bus broke down on 71 North, and to kill time the NYC death metal vets played a show at Alrosa Villa – the Columbus bar with the second largest beer selection (because they have Bud Light, too). I was fortunate enough to be at that show, and while I was watching them wreck shit, I thought to myself, This is a perfect opportunity. I should start a company to film things like this. And I did. However, some other people had the same idea, and now a war has broken out for market dominance in the field of videography in Columbus. And it’s a war I intend to win.

A video by rival Ohio production company, Zombie Tapdance Productions. While it is clear, and sounds good, it is also un-Ohioan, and therefore un-American.

Continue reading "BlueZer0.net Launches BZ Productions!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As all you Danu worshippers out there know, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu left former BZ CEO, POTUS, and space music artist Decanus Picto for the Shadow, forming the media darling celebrity couple, Shadu. However, other than this quickly thrown together interview, we never really heard the story of their meeting, falling in love, or moving into the woods of north Clintonville together to await the [real] apocalypse. So here, for the first time is the story of the new couple, in their own words.

Decanus Picto provided us with this pic (taken by black squirrel spies) of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, pissing in the north Clintonville woods. Because that’s where she lives now, in the woods with The Shadow and the black squirrels, and Picto probably stalking them. Which seems pretty wrong. And yes, it’s totally snowing here, even though it’s only October. What? It’s cold in Ohio.

Continue reading "Shadu: A Love Story" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin – In a famously fucktarded place like Central Ohio, where things like concrete statues of corn are considered acceptable, it seems likely that many strange events will occur. And, in fact, history says they do. For instance, in 1966 several police officers followed a UFO from Portage county Ohio all the way into Pennsylvania, which is just crazy – why the dick would anyone go to Pennsylvania? But those wacky Ohioans [allegedly] did just that, and only the black squirrels know why. Well, this past Saturday night, while the rest of you were drinking alone, there was a similarly strange event – Decanus Picto was at Dublin’s famous Cornhenge monument, raising the dead.

This pic of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was taken this weekend at Cornhenge after Decanus raised its spirit from the other world. Since that time, Decanus has been hailed as the best psychic medium in history because he is the first medium ever to actually contact the spirit of a dead person. Or device. Or whatever the BAGD is. Also, there are “orbs” in this picture. Which, if you talk with people who claim to be ghosthunters, they pretend that means something all spooky or whatever. (It doesn’t, though.)

Continue reading "Picto Conducts Necromantic Séance at Cornhenge; Resurrects Spirit of the BAGD!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week Decanus Picto said some pretty fierce things about The Shadow and his new girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu. In particular, he said that he hoped that The Shadow would go back to New Earth, where he had previously relocated, partly in an effort to avoid prosecution, and partly to avoid the utter destruction predicted by pictograms found inside a flying saucer. This week, things have taken a turn for the worse for Picto, as The Shadow has done exactly the opposite.

Picto with his illegally modified AR-15 anti-Christian assault rifle, which can also apparently be used for killing the fuck out of Sasquatches.

Continue reading "The Shadow Re-Relocates to Old Earth’s Famous Whetstone Park; Decanus Responds" »