The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Worthington – After being together for a year or so, I guess, “The” Shadow Humperdink, esquire and the goddess Danu dominate the scene in Worthington (aka Hollywood II: The Next Day). The goddess Danu has more than six brass knuckle pendants, and a brand-ish new-ish 1989 IROC Z28.

Where is the money for such luxury coming from? Why does The Shadow disappear into the city at night and return at exactly 10:22 AM? Only The Shadow knows. But what I know is this: This strange upswing in Shadu’s standard of living just happened to coincide with the filming of The Humperdinks, the new webseries created, written, and directed by The Fat Kid. Are they getting kickbacks from the show? Did they sell their story? Or is it something more sinister?

Continue reading "The Humperdinks: Enter the Sasquatch" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – As some of you may recall, two weeks ago I reported that Decanus Picto had fled the long-time BZ offices on the basement level of Clintonville’s famous Chateau 4030, and that no one knows where Picto went or why. This morning I went to The Fat Kid’s fat fucking apartment and found that he, too, had fled for parts – and reasons – unknown.

The Fat Kid’s Fatpartment is completely empty, and it seems to have gotten that way entirely over night. BZ scientists at first thought that he may have become so massive that he collapsed into himself, and was reduced to a singularity. They abandoned that theory when they figured that they’d probably have noticed the resulting black hole.

Continue reading "The Fat Kid (also) Flees!!!! Rumors Spread!!!" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – I know all of you were waiting on the far edges of your seats to find out what happened in the case of the Clintonville Ghost – but ghosts won’t be rushed. They don’t work on schedules and, according to some, they have no sense of time, so last week’s would-be update was preempted by BZ’s announcement of the hittishest new TV series that hasn’t been produced or filmed or put on the internet yet, The Humperdinks. However, the Clintonville Ghost did not allow BZ offices to function normally for long.

This chicken soft taco was violently hurled to the floor by the trashy ghost of Clintonville!!! The utter scariness of the event drove Picto and the BZ office managers out of the building for good.

Continue reading "Picto Flees; BZ Offices Vacated!!" »

Get ready for the new romantic love story and organized crime drama created by The Fat Kid...

Coming to Youtube this fall!

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – Those of you who can read and aren’t wacked out on thorazine may have noticed that the site stopped publishing [in-house] articles at the end of March. No one died – or at least no one good – but there were some strange events. The second to last article published was about that fattest of fat, and thirtysomethingest of thirtysomething “kids,” The Fat Kid, and his run in with the ghost of the BAGD in Chateau 4030. After that run in, things seemed to quiet down in Clintonville. In fact, they got so quiet that I stopped reporting, and even stopped checking in with His Fatness over my several-month-long Spring/Summer vacation (which I apparently get). However, when I returned a few days ago to ride out the end of August drunk at the Chateau, I found that The Fat Kid was no longer quite so calm, and Clintonville was no longer quite so quiet.

Ectoplasmic residue found in the hallway at Chateau 4030. It’s pretty gross, right? Yeah. Ew, dude.

Continue reading "The Clintonville Ghost" »

Clintonville - Unable to grasp the concept of writing in 140 characters or less, our long time and perhaps our most dissatisfied reader Big Gunny Wayne sent us, the bored and sleepy staff of the long dormant BZ, his wordy and open letter to the users of the social media empire Twitter.com. Mr. Wayne has a something to say about the recent "tweeting" by 2012 U.S. Presidential candidate Decanus Picto during the Picto '12 America's Heartland effort this past June.

Paducah, Kentucky's Columbia Theater hours before Decanus Picto's arrival for a stump speech and autograph session during the Picto '12 America's Heartland campaign swing.

To Whom It Should Concern,

In this letter I'm not going to discuss BlueZer0.net's welcomed absence from the intraweb's cloud of mind-numbing publishing. Instead, I am responding to Decanus Picto's recent, drunken, annoying Twitter based political campaign through our nation's beloved heartland. My vision that some day soon, people everywhere will rise to the challenge of thwarting Picto's untoward, deluded plans is an inspiring dream. Unfortunately, reality always awakens me and reminds me that there is a problem here. A beer-breathed, feebleminded-filled problem.

Continue reading "An Open Letter To The Good People Of Twitter.com" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – When last we heard about The Shadow almost two months ago, things were still up in the air. That is, after the charge against him (possession of a schedule I narcotic with intent to distribute) was dropped due to his not actually being human, it was not clear what The Shadow was going to do with himself. Legally stripped of the ability to work (not that he ever did anyway – not really), and barred from returning to the city itself, the last we saw of him was this pathetic tableau: The Shadow begging to be admitted to the goddess Danu’s apartment. Fuck him. He deserved that. But now it is clear enough that The Shadow and Danu are back together.

Local celebrity couple Shadu, together at the grand re-re-opening of a Nebuchadnezzer II’s Hoagie Shack on the (rather seedy) west side of Worthington. The paparrazzi-type that sold us this pic claims The Shadow was saying, “Take one more picture of me, and I’mna ram that fucking camera straight up your gerbil burrow!” The goddess Danu was heard to giggle, “Calm down, honey. You can kill some people later.”

Continue reading "Shadu Reunited (and it feels. . . OK)! Legal Status Update Pending" »

Clintonville - With Decanus and The Shadow out, both suffering from spring fever, and The Fat Kid faking up a doctor's note, little is going on this week at the BZ offices. So, the BZ staff decided to break out the mail bag again. Lucky for you, our loyal readers, they found a surprise! Big Gunny Wayne loads it up once more. Just like last time and the time before that, he's pointing his wordy criticisms with both barrels of the dictionary shotgun. This time he shows The Fat Kid no mercy. . .

To Whom It Should Concern,

If ever I had a letter to write, this is it. My challenge is to convince BlueZer0.net readers that The Fat Kid's perceptions constitute one of the many conduits of antagonism in our culture. I don't want to promote The Fat Kid's blandishments. Generally, I find The Fat Kid's obloquies rather minatory. But too often, The Fat Kid's utterly flabby synapses leads him to believe that heathenism is a viable and vital subject for our nation's online media institutions.

Continue reading "Big Gunny Wayne Hates On The Fat Kid" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – Some of you may recall that several months back, BlueZer0 reported on some strange incidents that took place in Clintonville’s famous Chateaux Clintonville complex, the former home of The Shadow, and long-time home of BZ luminaries such as Decanus Picto, the BZ offices, and now – after a brief stint in an overpriced shithole in Upper Arlington – the Fat Kid is back in one of the Chateaux as well. However, things have not gone smoothly for The Fat Kid, as he has been the target of numerous attacks by supernatural entities, at least one of which has sworn to drive The Fat Kid to suicide, and take him to hell. However, as this story fell by the wayside in the wake of The Shadow’s daring daylight robbery and subsequent arrest and imprisonment, I saw this thread as an opportunity to earn a paycheck. Accordingly, I packed my digital recorder and. . . well, that’s all I packed. And I didn’t really pack it so much as I just stuck it in my pocket. But whatever, dude. Just read the thing below.

A horrible cell phone pic of one of Clintonville’s three famous Fateaux. The Fat Kid might live in this one, no? The Chateaux at night are big and bright. And they kinda remind you of that Amityville house, too, right? With all the lights on and stuff? That’s the effect I was going for here, anyway.

Continue reading "The Haunting Continues (with streaming video!!!)" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Port Columbus International Airport – Regular readers will recall that, after reportedly being smothered [to death “accidentally”] by an adult film star’s ass, Decanus Picto was sighted, first at a Turkish restaurant in Grove City, and then just days later he was photographed in North Korea, where he was being led around in what looked like a slightly less than voluntary way. While there were rumors that the always-mysterious Picto might have been the exiled son of Kim Jong-Il, and that North Koreans might have believed the same types of wacky things about him as they believe about their “Eternal President,” Kim Il-Sung, and his recently-deceased son, Kim Jong-Il, these have proven nothing but shameless frauds, trumped up by our informant, Kim Il-Smith, just to get twenty dollars from us [In an unrelated incident, Il-Smith has since been beaten up, and robbed of twenty dollars. – Ed.], and Decanus has safely returned to America. He landed at 3:20 this afternoon at Port Columbus International Airport, where he addressed the media – and BlueZer0 was there. The media fervor was created due to the fact that Picto’s visit commenced just three days before North Korea announced that it was willing to cease all nuclear weapons tests, shut down their uranium enrichment program, and allow UN and IAEA inspectors to monitor activities linked to these programs. While these two things may, under other circumstances, have seemed like coincidences, it is known that Picto spent his entire time in North Korea closeted with the country’s new leader, Kim Jong-un. This, of course, has led to speculation that Picto in fact negotiated the country’s peaceful new position in an effort to attract the attention of the electorate.

Picto, claiming that he did in fact die under that Colombian whore’s ass.

Continue reading "Decanus Returns – FROM THE DEAD!!! Claims Responsibility for the New North Korea" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Pyongyang – Last week’s sighting of the so-called Pecanus Dicto may or may not have been real, but in any case Decanus Picto is back in the news. The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) has released a single photograph of Picto arriving at the Kim Il-Sung Administrative Center. The picture is dated February 23rd, four days after Picto was sighted at Grove City’s now-famous Kabob Palace.

Decanus Picto being escorted through customs by North Korean “greeters.”

Continue reading "Picto Lives!!! But WHERE?" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Grove City – A crowd has formed outside the famous Kabob Palace Turkish restaurant and bar, but not because the people of Ohio love Turkish-style lamb. Instead, they’re here because some jack off claims to have sighted Decanus Picto in the back, slicing meat off a rotating spit. Yeah. That’s why I had to take a bus all the way to Grove City. Some guy and his wife claim Picto is alive.

Grove City’s famous Kabob Palace, where Picto was allegedly sighted by a drunken jerk off. [Reports indicate that he was actually a jack off – ed.]

Continue reading "Decanus Alive? Elvis-style Rumors Spread Through Ohio" »

Clintonville – The staff at BlueZer0.net really does enjoy reading the feedback we get from our fans. Since The Fat Kid is away on special assignment this week [Editor's note: He was last heard from muttering something about "a deceitful, bushy mustached bastard" and "halal food."], we've decided to share some of that feedback from one of our loyal readers.

Chris J, seen here enjoying his favorite fruity drink, has something to say.

Continue reading "Email From Longtime BZ Reader Chris J!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – The Shadow was last seen running through people’s backyards in Clintonville. Or at least that’s where he was last seen before I dimed him out to the cops and showed them where he went into the woods in Whetstone park, and they got their dogs to track him down and subdue him. After that he was last seen in a jail cell, again awaiting an arraignment hearing in Columbus criminal court. And then finally they tried to arraign him. Tried, but failed.

The Shadow, seen here leaving court in his monkey suit. You get it? You see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Anyway, this is The Shadow, being led out of court just prior to his relocation to the woods of – you guessed it – Clintonville.

Continue reading "The Shadow Will Not Face Charges!" »