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The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – South of Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, the sites we find along the river start to take on a different character than those of the Upper Kingdom. The Upper Kingdom is very much like Clintonville, the neighborhood that is now on the river’s edge in that area, in that it is very boring. Its main site, the Clintonville Steppe, has mainly to do with shipping and commerce, while the Lane Avenue complex is a suburban offshoot that was mainly a housing area for workers. This is the stuff of large-scale civilization, but in a boring way – it concerns the business of running an empire: logistics, transportation, and distribution. The southern area, though, is quite strange.

The Clintonville Steppe, according to The Shadow, is boring.

Continue reading "A Tour of Ancient Olentangea (Part 2)" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in my sub-bridge library, I have been straining my eyes by candlelight at night, and dazzling them in sunlight by day, reading and reading, trying to explain the ancient mysteries of central Ohio. I have collected as much evidence as possible above water, and have even done some swimming and diving, braving the dangerous Olentangy currents, to scrounge up evidence from the sediment around the blocks, and I believe I have worked out a solution to this most puzzling of Ohio’s many paranormal/supernatural/extraterrestrial/archaeological mysteries. Are you ready to hear the truth, dear reader?

Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, part of the Olentangea Complex, was once part of a thriving metropolis. It now lies mostly underwater.

Continue reading "A Tour of Ancient Olentangea (Part 1)" »

A BlueZer0 staff article. . .

Clintonville – Those of you who are somewhat less drunk than I am may have noticed that Pimples Malone’s article regarding the Palm Pre street vendor, ostensibly from Venus, has been removed from the site. Though we don’t get much in the mail, we here at the BlueZer0 front office recently received what turned out to be a cease-and-desist order from lawyers representing spotted chicks from Venus, forcing us to remove the article altogether.

This cease-and-desist letter, written in Alienese, is the first of what will surely be many that BZ will receive between now and 2012, when we all die and go to hell. (And, by the way, if you can [or have figured out how to] read the original, you’re a nerd, and I’m dead certain that you have no girlfriend. Or, if you’re a girl and can read this, you are the most highly sought-after nerd girl ever. Unless you’re fat. No fat chicks.)

Continue reading "Editor’s Update" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading under my Shadowy bridge, a lot of fact checking, and correlating what I’ve read with what I’m seeing in the Olentangy, and it seems that things here are much larger in scope than I had previously imagined.

These huge blocks, the remnants of the 10,000 year old civilization of Pumapunku, are very similar in size and shape to the blocks The Shadow has located in the Olentangy.

Continue reading "The Shadow’s Research and Conclusions on the Stone Monuments of Central Ohio" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – This area is mostly known for simple things; its quaint Victorian architecture, its trendy shops and upper-crust restaurants, all the super-hot college pussy it houses for three-quarters of the year. Little did the residents of this expensive, trendy neighborhood realize that they were living on the site of what may be the most important archaeological find of the century.

The Shadow has found a proliferation of immense stone blocks like this one, some submerged and some partially submerged, in the Olentangy.

Continue reading "More, you know, Things Uncovered in Victorian Village" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – Days after talking to super-secret hobo source Joe McGucket about the concurrence of our saucer sightings, and getting all trashed huffing turpentine, and falling down the bank and getting all muddy and shit, and losing my keys in the river, and spending like four hours looking for them but still not finding them, I made some shocking discoveries in the area of the Third Avenue bridge.

The saucer-shaped craft was seen hovering above this underwater stone circle in the Third Avenue area.

Continue reading "Shocking Discoveries at the Third Avenue Bridge" »

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this largely quiet section of the city, no one expects much to happen. However, since July of 2008, strange things have been seen by those who actually look, especially in the area of the Mexican chateau, and the stone circle that abut the Olentangy river in an ominous formation.

This four-way intersection of road, river, stone circle, and cemetery, with the addition of the new/old Upper Arlington monument, promises a high concentration of weird and unexplainable events this season.

Continue reading "Arlington Recon Pays Off!!" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As some of you may have gathered, there is a strange new archaeological site here in Northwest Columbus, immediately east of the Mexican Chateau. A little over a year ago, state archaeologists acquired a business license and building permits, and began to raze the building that used to stand next to the Mexican Chateau, and to erect a giant monument. Construction seems to be nearing completion.

The Mexican Chateau, marked A. Immediately to the right, on the site of what was formerly an office building, an ancient monument is being restored.

Continue reading "Sinister Doings in Upper Arlington" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After several consecutive seasons in which BZ has made predictions that didn’t come true, or left loose ends, or ended with cliffhangers that were never resolved, I finally got angry enough to track down The Shadow in his under-bridge apartment which he now shares, by the way, with several hobos and about ten thousand body lice, and make him explain. The following interview was transcribed verbatim.

The Shadowtastic apartment, which is now much less roomy. And has more hobos than ever.

Continue reading "WTF? An Interview with The Shadow" »

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – The chateau has been quiet since the death of C’Ville’s erstwhile master of the hoedown, Gary Doe. However, in recent weeks, BZ staffers seem to have come out of hibernation like snakes in the spring. To wit; almost three weeks ago, Pimples Malone was seen getting drunk in the back parking lot, where he encountered the ominous and elusive Shadow, who drank like half his beer and didn’t even offer him any money for it or anything.

Continue reading "Rumblings in Clintonville" »

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Things are crazy in Ohio at this time of year, so there haven't been many updates to the site lately. Big things are in the works, but until they are posted, I've decided to hold you over (and keep the sponsors happy) by using content from other websites.

As many of you will be pissed off about how infrequently our site is updated, I'm sure that at least some of you will have gotten the idea of starting your own websites, which I'm sure is a great idea. To help facilitate your awesome new site, check out this tutorial:

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail51.html

And keep checking back for updates, because it will be updated soon!