Icke: Hi, Bill. How's that whole fake death thing working out for you?

Cooper: Not as well as you'd think. Magazines won't accept my subscriptions. How am I supposed to be a special tough guy underground anti-NOW operative if I can't get Paranoia magazine?

Icke: Don't you mean NWO?

Cooper: I'm sorry?

Icke: Well, NOW is the National Organization for Women. I think you meant anti-New World Order, right?

Cooper: Shut up! Who's running this interview anyway? As far as you know NOW could be connected with the aliens or lizards or both. Anyway, why are you here?

Icke: Well, to debunk rumors spread by The Shadow.

Cooper: Which rumors specifically?

Icke: First of all, the rumor that I think I'm Mr. T, secondly the rumor that I wear women's outergarments, third that I've been forced to take my anti-psychotic prescriptions by one Vernon Haynes, and finally that the lizards don't have opposable thumbs.

Cooper: So, you don't wear women's clothing?

Icke: Did I say that? No, I said I don't wear women's outergarments. Next question.

Cooper: OK, you don't think you're Mr. T?

Icke: No. That rumor got spread because one night I was doing my impression of Mr. T (who is my hero, by the way) at a hotel bar, and there was this fat kid watching. I think he spread the rumor.

Cooper: No anti-psychotic drugs?

Icke: Well, that depends on what you mean by anti-psychotic. If there were any anti-psychotic drugs that weren't laced with mind control drugs that force people to act like Mr. T and wear red dresses, then I would take them happily. But there aren't. All pharmaceutical companies are controlled by the government, and thus by the lizards, and thus by the aliens. As you know, they're trying to repress me.

Cooper: Yes, I know. Now, what about the lizards, thumbs?

Icke: As you know, Hanni. . . uh, I mean Bill, lizards take over human bodies who are predisposed to being taken over by way of the high concentration of reptilian DNA in their genetic make up. So, lizards, as we experience them, are indistinguishable, or to use philosophical terms for the sake of precision, exactly similar, to the humans they've taken over. Thumbs and all. So it's ridiculous, outright preposterous to say that shape-shifting, parasitic, inter-dimensional lizards don't have opposable thumbs. It's even more ridiculous to suppose that somehow they lose their innate human warm bloodedness. Exothermic parasitic inter-dimensional lizards exist only, and I mean only, in the fourth dimension, where they usually keep the thermostat around seventy.

Cooper: I see. So is The Tooth in fact a lizard?

Icke: Of course.

Cooper: So you're agreeing, in part, with The Shadow?

Icke: Yes. But that's how they get you; they inject morsels of truth into their lies to make them seem more probable. Now if I was to say that the inter-dimensional parasitic shape-shifting lizards looked just like people, you'd believe me?

Cooper: How could I do otherwise?

Icke: Right. So then if I added that they didn't have opposable thumbs, then the whole seems true because part of it is true. That's their trick. Saurian bitch-asses can't fool me though. I'm like the Busta Rhymes of Imperialist Reptilian theory. That is, I make sure everything remains raw! (In a falsetto) Busta, what it is right now? Busta, What it is right now? Word to ya mutha.

Cooper: I see. So, what of the cone circles?

Icke: Well, at this point I can't speculate. I only know that they're signs to aliens, but whether they represent the half moon is up for debate. See, a half moon would destroy the already intricate symbolic layout of the Mobil station.

Cooper: Can you tell us more about this layout?

Icke: Of course I can. The gift of gab is the gift that I have, and that girl ain't nothin' but a scab. Educated? No. Stupid? Yup. And when I say stupid I mean stupid as fuck! Sorry. I love that song. I'm in a rap mood today. Anyway, you should be careful to write this down correctly, because otherwise you won't get it. At Mobil, there are twenty-four pumps, correct?

Cooper: Correct.

Icke: And they're laid out in rows of four, one on each side. So that's six rows. Six perfectly parallel lines, in front of a rectangle, whose geometry approximates that, on a smaller scale, of course, of the Parthenon in Athens. And what does a configuration, or constellation if you will, of six parallel lines in front of a rectangle whose dimensions are determined by way of the ancient Greek "Golden Rectangle" as it's called, represent?

Cooper: Um. . . Lizards?

Icke: Exactly! It's the sign of the beast. All these symbols came to the Greeks by way of the lesser Babylonians, also called the Yourmomsabitchians, of outer Babylon. Lines represent rivers. And where is Babylon? In Mesopotamia. And what does the word Mesopotamia mean? "The land between the river" is the literal translation, although it is sometimes rendered as "where the lizards hang out and build stuff and make plans to conquer the world". That is it's symbolic meaning. Anyway, where do rivers lead? To the ocean. And what does the ocean represent? Primordial chaos. And what lives in primordial chaos? The beast, the ancient, primeval, primordial water dragon, or Tiamat, from whose body Marduk fashioned the world. So, the six lines, according to the lesser Babylonians or Yourmomsabitchians, as they called themselves, represent the dragon or beast. And if you were to throw the half moon symbol in there, you'd destroy the unity of the symbol. At best, we can surmise that the cone circle represents an egg, which is quite a portent in the context of the Yourmomsabitchians, symbols.

Cooper: Well, how do the symbols of the Yourmomsabitchians differ from those of the Babylonians proper?

Icke: Well, the Yourmomsabitchians were a more mobile people, stressing the word mobile, as in Mobil, so their symbols tend to be more based on natural phenomenon. For example, lines equal rivers. The Yourmomsabitchians would represent the beast as six sticks on the ground, placed parallel to each other, with a rectangle, representing the cardinal directions, behind it. See, the rectangle orients the sticks in space. So, we know that the one end of the sticks is north and the other south. Six hundred and sixty-six is the number of the beast, and they considered the beast twice as evil, so the number is rendered twice. That's why the rectangle isn't centered - it marks the beginning of the next series of numbers. Plus, six times four is twenty-four, which represents the hours of the day during which the rivers, or sticks, flow to the ocean. That's how the river "Styx" got its name. They took the term river sticks, and thought it meant a river called sticks, which they spelled Styx. A lot of Greeks were bad spellers.

Cooper: Well, how did they arrive at the conclusion that sticks are equivalent to rivers?

Icke: According to the lesser Babylonian Book of Importantness, the great hero Ira the Destroyer found some sticks on the ground, and said, "Lo! Thy holy sticks showeth me the secret mysteries of what thy stickness standeth for!" And then the sticks didn't do anything, so Ira the Destroyer waited for a sign. Then, because it was the desert, he got mad thirsty, so he went to the river to drink. And then he said, "Holy shit! Thy meaning hath revealeth itselfeth unto me! Thy meaning is that of the great rivers that floweth, and stuff." And sticks, like straw, already had a sacred meaning, so they were held in the highest regard with the addition of this newest revelation. This highest importance referred to the cosmogony, which included the destruction of Tiamat, and his abode in the deep.

Cooper: Why were sticks and straw holy?

Icke: Well, that has to do with the Yourmomsabitchians, mobility, again note mobility. See, the lesser Babylonians originally lived right next to the Babylonians. Only instead of building with brick, they built their earliest houses of straw, and then when they figured that idea was a bad idea, what with all the predators in the area, they built houses of sticks. But their houses kept blowing over, and they kept being killed and devoured by what were called Aeolian or Zephyrus wolves, so they became mobile. And this is why their symbols are the most sacred. They were more natural symbols because they were outside a lot.

Cooper: So, the Mobil station itself is the sign of the beast?

Icke: That's right, Hannib. . . I mean, Bill.

Cooper: Wow.

Icke: Yeah. But I have to go. The A-Team comes on in ten minutes.

With that, Mr. Icke ran to his van, and took off, tires screeching.

Bill Cooper