The Shadow: So what's the deal? Why the interview?

Icke: I had to get the word out about The Tooth's vestigial reptile skeleton.

The Shadow: Reptile skeleton, huh?

Icke: Yeah, the tooth from which the Tooth derives her name is in fact an egg tooth. Certain reptiles are born with such a tooth in order to aid them in breaking out of their eggs. The tooth hasn't lost hers in the course of evolution. That's why Buckalew caught all the flack, she was on to him, she has been taken over by the lizards.

The Shadow: I see.

Icke: But that's not all! I pity the fool who doesn't notice the other stuff going on.

The Shadow: Like what?

Icke: Well, Hannibal, if you've been checking my reptilian agenda web site, you might have seen the article about the shape-shifting lizard child molesters, including the Queen of England, and Madeline Albright among others. Is it really a coincidence that The Tooth's fiance has been convicted of a lesser crime related to child molestation? I think not. It seems to me that The Tooth and her fiance are part of an international ring of fourth dimensional lizard gas station assistant managers and unemployed people, perpetrating injustices on low level rebels against the New World Order, like Buckalew. And there's still more, Hannibal!

The Shadow: Yeah, um, I'm The Shadow, Mr. Icke.

Icke: Yeah, that's what I said, Hannibal. They're starting to take over other employees at the gas stations.

The Shadow: Like who?

Icke: Well, I can't say for sure, Hannibal. I'm a journalist. I don't report speculation. What I can say is this: the resistance has taken aerial photographs of the Mobil station at night. I didn't take them. I hate flying. I ain't getting on no plane, Hannibal. I pity the fool who tries to get me on a plane. But other members of the resistance have taken aerial photographs of the Mobil, and they've noticed strange road cone formations "we call them cone circles" outside the booth. Excuse me, kiosk. Right outside the kiosk there have been crude semi-circles of road cones, which we believe symbolize the half moon, which is a sign to the aliens that the lizards have infiltrated the Mobil. See the aliens and the lizards are in cahoots.

The Shadow: Why is that?

Icke: Think about it, Hannibal. Can lizards survive in a temperate zone in winter? No. They need alien technology to stay active.

The Shadow: What kind of technology?

Icke: Space heaters. The little electric kind. There was at least one of them, and possibly two at Mobil this winter.

The Shadow: Aliens invented space heaters?

Icke: Well, they didn't invent them, but aliens get discounts at Wal-Mart, so they can get them cheap.

The Shadow: Why can't the lizards get discounts?

Icke: It isn't a matter of discounts. It's a matter of opposable thumbs. You ever try to count money without using your thumbs? You don't want to you'd hold up the line. People would look at you funny. Of course, people don't look at Mr. T funny, I pity the fool looks at Mr. T funny.

The Shadow: So, who's responsible for these cone circles, as you call them?

Icke: I can't say, yet. But I know they're there every night between Monday and Friday. Saturday and Sunday nights they aren't there. That's probably because the aliens have off on Saturday and Sunday.

The Shadow: Aliens take days off?

Icke: Yeah, they go to the shore.

The Shadow: Really? Does that relate to their final objective?

Icke: Of course it does. Their final objective is the most sinister of all objectives. Post-pay! They hate having to pay first on their way to the beach. How are they supposed to know how much they're going to get?

The Shadow: (Gasps audibly)

Icke: That's right! But the resistance is strong. We've got an operative there ourselves. Code name: Fat Kid. He gives the lizards what for whenever they try to pump first. Even the reptilian clerics aren't immune to his wrath.

The Shadow: Wow.

Icke: That's right, but Mr. T has to go. Aliens are looking for Mr. T.

The Shadow: But I thought you were David Icke.

Icke: (Levitating, in a raspy voice) There is no David Icke, only zool, I mean Mr. T!

As I was leaving I observed the following: From a Ford station wagon emerged Art Linkletter and Vernon Haynes, proprietor of the Tosco Mobil on I-95. Art was saying, "Now that's post-dated." Vern proceeded inside, where he found David Icke, who was easy to spot in his red dress. Vern held him down and forced pills down his throat. All the while he was screaming, "I'm Mr. T! I'm Mr. T! I pity the fool who tries to make Mr. T take pills!" After forcing the pills down Icke's throat, Vern ordered a Heineken, and waited for Icke to come around. Lighting a Winston, he said, "I love it when the plan comes together."

Next time: Disembodied voices: Aliens, the voice of God, and Mr. Goofy!

- The Shadow