Book of Bob the Prophet:
Chapter 1:
In days when there was no longer any disco, and the initial punk rock movement had degenerated into the movement known as new wave, and the Ramones were permanently out of the spotlight, and there was a terrible character actor in the office of the president, there was a man named Bob. Bob had been born in the time when Jim Morrison was yet alive, and The Jefferson Airplane was not yet The Jefferson Starship, and he had witnessed many portentous events. He witnessed the dark days when John Travolta abandoned his sweat-hog roots and explored homosexuality, and when Nixon claimed not to be a crook, and when people did the hustle, and these events stirred him so that he turned away from the light and into darkness where hides the truth. Bob went far away from the others, and into the land known as the Delmarva peninsula, where he found that the people were bored and stupid. And here he stayed, and meditated on events of the not-so-distant past. He traveled to an island in a sea of asphalt, whereon he found peace, working as a sales associate on the northern end of the island. There was peace at the north end of the island, for things were done properly. There were more sales associates, and fewer customers for each, and things were good. Or as good as they can be when working for minimum wage. But a day came when Bob was curious about the south end of the island, and there he ventured, for his curiosity had reached such a peak that he could no longer say, "Fuck that."
Chapter 2:
As he traveled to the south end of the island, a feeling of foreboding came over him that was so strong that he stood still, and looked into the sky, whereon a great vision was given unto him. Bob saw the future, when a great prophet of the highest order would come forward, and reveal the truth to the people, and then he would be put down by "the man," and silenced forever, and that there would be men who were yet children at this time who, at the south end of the island in the sea of asphalt, would mock after and make fun of the great prophet, and that after him would arise another prophet of even higher power. This last prophet would be the son of God, and would reveal the ancient order of the world unto all who had ears with which to hear. But not all would listen, and only a select few would pay any attention, and thereby have the foreknowledge to prepare for the coming down of shit. Bob knew not what he should do in light of his great vision, and so he fasted and meditated for six days and six nights, taking only water and cigarettes, and occasionally some sweet-tarts that he had in his jacket, and at one point he went to McDonald's, but other than that he fasted, and smoked to keep the cravings down. At the end of the sixth night, as the day star was rising up from the east, Bob heard a voice like thunder, and it said unto him: "Say, boy, listen here: I got to park this here truck somewhere and you kneelin' in the last parking space. Get the hell out of the way!" And Bob moved. But then there was another voice like thunder, only louder, and it said unto him, "Bob! Bob! This is the voice of the prophet David, and you shall listen to Me. You are sent to prepare the way for the coming of Me, and of the dude before Me. His name will be Bill Cooper, and he will unravel all the mysteries of the great governmental conspiracy, and will show unto the people that aliens are really controlled by the government, and will be used in a conspiracy to get the people to cede all their power to the government. And then I will come, and reveal further. Spread this word throughout the land."
Chapter 3:
And Bob rose up and said, "Holy fucking shit!" And Bob traveled through the land spreading the prophecy, and was treated like a fucking moron. The people spat upon him, and trampled on him, and told him that those who hear voices are schizophrenic and not prophets. A day came when the police found Bob standing on the corner in a great city, wearing a sign that said, "Prepare for the coming of the prophet Bill!" They took him to a building called Bellevue, wherein they gave him many pills, and administered unto him a treatment called ECT, and Bob no longer heard the voice like thunder. Soon Bob was released, and got a job once again as a sales associate and took his prescription faithfully. But a day came when Bob thought unto himself, "I no longer need these pills. They're such a drag, dude. And I certainly don't have any insurance to pay for them." And Bob cast the pills away in disgust, saying, "Schizophrenia my balls! I'm fine." Then he turned up the radio, agreeing with it that Mickey must indeed be very fine if he was to blow someone's mind, and later did the safety dance in celebration. In days to come Bob heard again the voice like thunder which said, "Bob, you shall travel over the sea, and to the land known as Britain, whereon you shall find the prophet Me, and tell Me what the deal is." And Bob said, "But You're You - shouldn't You know what the deal is already?" And the voice replied, "Shut up! You're ruining the story. There has to be a journey, and the journey into the Delmarva peninsula was half assed, and the journey into New York was passed over as a narrative opportunity, so just do what I tell you." And Bob said, "But isn't that kind of stupid that you don't know what's going on . . ." and the voice said, "Look, I'm new at this whole son of God thing, OK? Just bear with me." And so Bob was henceforth patient with the narrative inconsistencies, and just said, "Fuck it."
Chapter 4:
And so Bob traveled by plane to Britain, and he searched for the prophet David. In his search, he went through many stores and stuff, mainly looking for a souvenir for his mother, when he found a book store. It was a small place that was called Macintosh's Irreverent and Anti-Authoritarian Books and Souvenirs. In said store, he found a nice snow globe for his mother, which had Big Ben in it, and he looked at it for many long hours, before the clerk asked him what he was doing. "I" said Bob, "am looking for the Prophet David, who shall be preceded by the prophet Bill Cooper. Plus, I'd like to buy this snow globe for Ma. She collects 'em, you know. She has one from New York that she got when I was tossed into Bellevue and she came to see me, and she has one from. . ." but the clerk was not listening. He was thinking of the name Bill Cooper. "I know of this Bill Cooper. I know the prophet of whom you speak!" said the clerk, handing him an impressive tome with a cartoon cover that looked all evil and foreboding and stuff. And it was called Behold a Pale Horse. "Yo!" exclaimed Bob. "This is the dude! For real." And Bob took this as a sign that he was going in the right direction, and again did the safety dance in celebration.
Chapter 5:
Bob had sent his mother the snow globe, along with a nice post card which read, "Ma; still looking for the prophet guy. Found you a snow globe. Weather is bad and food here is worse than Bellevue. Love, Bob." He then continued walking until he stumbled on the BBC buildings, where he felt a strange urge to enter. He snuck in unnoticed and came to the set of a television show, where he found the prophet David announcing snooker and football scores. He then shouted, "Hey, David! I found you, dude. Did you know that your dad is God?" This started a row, and Bob the prophet was sacked and tossed into the street like a dog. But he had dropped the book of the prophet Bill Cooper. David found said book on the floor and began to read from it. And the rest of the story of the Prophet David is well documented. But Bob the prophet ran out into the streets proclaiming what he knew to be true, "There will come a day when skinny ties and suits are no longer what rock bands wear, and when people will no longer wear up to eighteen swatch watches at the same time, and when feathered hair is looked down upon in disgrace, and when people will realize that Steve Gutenberg is not funny, and when Anthony Michael Hall is working at a deli in the San Fernando Valley, and when we no longer have to face it we're addicted to love, and when the coolest among us no longer shop at Chess King, and when M*A*S*H* and Cheers and ALF will be canceled, and stuff will blow really badly! And the coming of Bill Cooper has arrived, and soon the prophet David will come and reveal the truth that we are all doomed to be enslaved by lizards who are pretty fucking heinous! This will happen in your lifetime, except for those of you who are really old, or terminally ill, or get shot or run over by a bus or car or train, or drown, or get killed in a football riot, or who are beheaded, or imprisoned in the tower of London and get really sick and die!" And the British authorities locked Bob away until his mother arrived, after having found for herself another snow globe, this one with Stone Henge inside. All the while Bob was screaming, "The prophet David will reveal the truth! So, don't tell me no lines and keep your hands to yourself!"
