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Nomenclature of Ambulance Drivers and Associated Medical Tradespersons:

Alive: (adj.) Dead
Casper the Friendly Ghost mask: (n) A corpse's face.
Crazy or Craziness: Completely sane, or profound saneness.
Funny: (adj.) Not funny
Laughing or holding back laughter: (v) Being very serious.
Running around: (v) Laying down and exhibiting all the natural behaviors of dead persons.
State Hospital: (n) Morgue (not the mental hospital, seriously).
Talking: (v) Rising up from death to impart knowledge all Jesus like and everything, but then returning to the dead instead of going up to heaven. Except, of course, when the ambulance drivers say things, in which case it means to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking.

Chapter 1:
Say, man - when I first seen Bill Cooper, we got a call late that someone had been shot while getting a blowjob down at Battery Park. So, me and Tommy rolled through there after the police had come and secured the area. And what I seen was fucked up. I pulled into the parking lot, and the police were standing around laughing at this dude who was running around in a Casper the Friendly Ghost mask. I said, "Holy shit, what the hell is that dude doing?" So, the police told us to take this motherfucker down to the state hospital, where they took him in and that was the last I saw of him. But he said an awful lot of craziness on the way there. For example, Bill said that he was dead for real, and that the mask he was wearing was really his face. I just kept driving, and Tommy sat back there with him laughing, and Tommy questioned Bill so we'd have the whole scoop and have something to talk about with the other drivers at the lounge. So, after a little while, Bill calmed down and Tommy starts talking to him like he believes what this fool is saying. So, Bill was mumbling the theme song to Casper, when Tommy asks him, "Say, man, uh how come you think you dead?" He said, "I am dead, and there's nothing you can do to me now. I'm dead, so I'm invincible!" And he started fighting the restraints. Tommy say, real calm like, "OK, OK, I know you're invincible. I can see that. Just tell me what happened." And Bill says, "Well, I was writing a real scary important book called Behold a Pale White Kid Trying To Do the Electric Slide, so they shot me." Tommy says, "You were writing that book in your car with John's mom?" And Bill says, "No, what do you think, I'm crazy? She was helping me relax," he said, and winked. "I was writing that book at home." Tommy says, "Well, what's that book of yours all about?" And Bill begins his tale.

Chapter 2:
"Well, it all started in the middle ages, see? They used to have these real formal dances that went along with classical music, and with waltzes and stuff. And then later, that kind of thing took over in popular music, you know, with folk dancing and square dancing in the states and such. But then, that stuff was too old to keep anybody's attention. You know, they wanted something new. So, the New World Order commissions the creation of rock music, see? They get a bunch of musicians who played real upbeat stuff, you know? And they replace their brains with microchips and such. So they come up with guys like Little Richard, see? If anyone is controlled by aliens by way of microchips, it's him, right? I mean, he's a fucking loon. So then, they can't control what everyone else is doing, and they just started doing whatever they wanted, all non ritualistic and stuff. And this pissed the aliens and the New World Order off real bad. So they sat back and watched what happened for a while, and every so often they'd try to get everyone to do the same thing all together, but it didn't work. So then they formulated a plan. They figured they'd attack black people first, see? They thought that because black people are the least educated demographic they could get in easy, and that's when they created that electric slide lady. But what they didn't count on is that the black folks would get sick of it real quick, and realize how stupid it was. And that's what happened. But what they didn't count on was the successful side effect it would have. Successful for them, see? Not for us. But the side effect was that stupid white kids, who thought everything black kids did was cool, started listening to that garbage. And worst of all was the ditsy, half-retarded white girls who are all goofy and stuff. They love crap like the electric slide, so it ended up being a doorway to white youth.

Chapter 3:
"So, they started plotting real serious like, see? And they said to themselves, OK, we've got the white girls, and guys are so stupid they'll do anything they have to in order to get in these girls' pants, so we got the white guys, too. But the question is, how can we attack the older generations? So, deep in their hideaway in the subterranean caverns of Venus, they had a completely animatronic weapon on hold. The weapon was called Bill Ray Cyrus. This was the most potent of weapons against idiotic white people from the north, and rednecks alike. Why? Because that song he played and the idiotic line dancing that goes with it are completely meaningless garbage that got everybody doing the same thing at the same time. See it gets them used to ritualistic behavior. Once this weapon of brain cell destruction was unleashed on the populace, there was no stopping it. It spread like wildfire across the whole nation. Idiots and rednecks, mostly republican voters, were behaving ritualistically without even realizing it. And then came the latest weapon - the boy band. Boy bands were aimed at the youth who were untrained and therefore susceptible to meaningless musical garbage. Think about this: boy bands don't start themselves, they are built by fat old Republican guys who are rich already and are in a position to poison the youth of the world for their own purposes. The idea came from a covert project in the eighties called operation F.A.G.B.O.I., which is an acronym for Feminine Androgynous Guys Being Overtly Inane. You might remember these FAGBOIs as New Fags, I mean Kids on the Block. The operation was highly successful, but needed some tweaking, so it was put on the shelf for a few years so they could perfect it, which they did. The new, improved boy bands spout off ridiculous, inane bullshit to get the youth used to garbage and bullshit 'art' that is all pansy and inoffensive, so they can swallow down a new generations' worth of horrible TV shows and magazines designed to keep the distracted and to keep them from asking questions that might get in the way, such as 'Why in balls is George Bush president when nobody voted for him?' The effeminate behavior is designed to pussify boys, and reinforce the socialized docility in girls, so that in the event that they did notice what was going on, they'd be ill-prepared to act efficaciously. But that's not the worst of it.

Chapter 4:
"The worst part is that they are being introduced to synchronized fairy dancing, which is overtly ritualistic behavior. See, they need people to slowly come to accept all these rituals that lizard people are obsessed with. This way, in a few years when they start to introduce their satanic rituals to the public, it won't seem so foreign. When children who were raised on boy band fag art grow up and are asked to perform certain ritualistic behaviors, they won't see a thing wrong with it. It'll be all nostalgic and stuff, and they'll even enjoy it. So, in effect, the world of tomorrow is being conditioned by fairy bitch-boys who like rituals." Tommy and I repressed our laughter, and I motioned to him that he should keep asking questions. Of course, by this point we were having a hard time keeping straight faces, but Bill didn't seem to notice. He just kept looking at the straps that were holding him down. So Tommy says to the guy, "So, why do they need to perform satanic rituals and stuff?" "Well," Bill says, "on account of they worship the devil. See, it goes like this: all religion is controlled by the government. That's why Catholics and Protestants spent so much time back in the day killing each other. Bloody Mary and the British monarchy and so on. When Martin Luther broke away all the lizard motherfuckers were like, 'Holy ball sweat! What do we do?' I mean, C of E was just a branch office really, designed to give the Brits a separate sense of identity. But C of E retained all the rituals because all those rituals, like mass, and whatever else they do, are really important to the Satanists. That's how come Elizabeth, who was queen during the renaissance, or the end of it anyhow, stressed to people that they should think of themselves as English, and not as Catholic or Protestant. She wanted to blur the lines and all, hoping to draw the Protestants back instead of killing them. They were a fairly valuable resource. But mostly people used to be controlled by the government through religion. That's why the bishop of Rome was Pope and all the other bishops were just pederasts with red beanies. 'Cause Rome was the seat of power. But once Protestantism got big enough for the government to get into it, it was all good. Plus, the seat of power was shifting from Rome anyhow. But, they're trying to reinstate religious rule, that's how come all these wacko redneck presidents in the last few years are fundamentalists. Not Clinton, but the Bushes, and Reagan, and so on. But anyway, they all actually worship the devil, they just call him God. It's very confusing. But once people accept religious rule again, they'll start actually worshipping the devil and all that with goat heads and stuff, just like in the movies and on Slayer records. That's why they need people to get used to ritual behavior - so that when they bring Satan into the fold, nobody'll realize they're performing satanic rites, they'll be used to doing shit like that. It'll be like a government run satanic boy band from hell, and they'll have fans in every human being on the planet by calling the devil god, and vice versa. See? See how much sense that makes? It's pretty obvious to anyone with a brain that all that's going on. But now I'm dead. I bust it ghost style, dog! Boo! Straight outta Locash, a crazy motherfucker named Dead Bill, I fucked you wife cause the bitch is a big ho, I fucked your sister, I fucked your cat, I tried to fuck your moms but the bitch was too fat. Word."

Chapter 5:
So, Tommy says to Bill, "So, they killed you on account of your book which was supposed to say all that stuff?" And he goes, "Yup. That's the way it is. Art Linkletter peeled my cap, dog. I was in crazy pain." By this time, I had circled the hospital six or eight times. I just wanted to keep him talking to break up the monotony. So he kept talking about other shit, but really I forgot most of it. But then the dispatcher started getting pissed at us. It seems that eight or ten people were like, dying or something on 95, and they needed us when we was busy laughing at Bill. We couldn't help it though. But then some little girl got hit by a car, and was all mangled the fuck up and shit, and wasn't nobody else free, so we had to drop that guy off. But as we were taking him out of the ambulance, he said something really strange. He said, "You know, these restraints are really nice. I haven't managed to hurt myself or others yet, and we've been in the ambulance almost twenty minutes. My friend Vern has restraints like these that he uses when he makes me and Davey watch trippy lizard flicks and get all trashed and stuff. I should get some like this for my house, but I don't know who'd take 'em offa me. But anyhow, I'm dead so I won't be catching anymore trippy lizard flicks with ol' Davey. Do you guys ever watch trippy lizard flicks with Vern? If you do, call Davey a limey bastard. He hates that. It'll get him all riled up and he'll start going, 'Bloody Yanks. This is our land anyway. We stole it fair and square. You're all just a bunch of silly cheaters. Bloody hell. Sod you Yanks.' It's really funny."