Name: Vernon Haynes
Known aliases: Grand Wizard, The Winston Smoking Man, Dim Witted Redneck, Inbred Redneck, Drunken Redneck.
Catch Phrase(s): Fuck y'all! Y'all are fuckin' wit my bonus! Anything with the words fuck or motherfucker.
Department: Ministry of Reptilian Affairs, White Trash Division
Title(s): King Cobra, Ruler of the Pumps, HRIC (Head Redneck In Charge)

Known characteristics: Vern is a functioning alcoholic who suffers from hypertension as a result. This is bad for his human host, but good for him in that it keeps his body temperature up, allowing him to do things other reptilians cannot, such as go out in the snow, and vote republican. However, this also keeps the reptilian monster constantly vigilant in contrast to his relatively sluggish cohorts, Little Annie Cock Ring, and Todd "Beefcake" McClure. Vern has very high tolerance for stupidity, which allows him to delegate work to said underlings.

Intelligence briefing notes: Vern can be bribed with alcoholic liquids of any kind, including rubbing alcohol and vanilla extract, but often breaks such bargains, blaming blackouts and drunken stupors, which may not be far from the truth considering his consumption levels. There is ample evidence, gathered by The Shadow, an agent of the resistance, that Vern is involved with double agents, shills, and mock ghosts, and that he has knowledge of behavior modification techniques pioneered by North Korea (proud member of G.W. Bush's Axis of Evil Mass Murder/Destruction Club since 2001) during the Korean conflict of the 1950s. Vern also has exceeded other reptilians in the operation of motor vehicles; he has driven drunk 362 days this year and has yet to be pulled over. Resistance herpetologists have concluded that his increased heart rate allows him to metabolize alcohol at three times the rate of other reptiles, though it produces the side effect of explosive, somewhat incoherent behavior.