The Shadow Reports:
On Friday the 21st of March, the Realm of the Tooth received a surprise visit in the person (read: Alien) of Tan himself. No, not beige's first cousin in the color spectrum, but the interstellar traveler, savior-to-be of the human race, and famed associate of space guru/alcoholic/pot dealer/space ship ticket artist/hippie Riley Martin, whose writing credits include published pieces in Global Black Woman magazine, The Coming of Tan and several hefty tomes on the subjects of exploiting the gullible, functional alcoholism, semi-functional alcoholism, and bad trips.
However, Riley's newest book, How to Make Hybrid Chicks with Spots Fall in Love With You, due from Exploit Retards Press in May, is expected to be his best seller yet. An alien craft that is obviously as real as it is possible for a spacecraft to look, descended on Pump boy Hell around 9:30 EST, disabling electrical power. There emerged from the spinning craft a stoned hippie-alien with bird shit on his shoulder, who asked for directions to Waterford. For the uninitiated, Waterford is an upscale, Beverly Hills-type trailer park that is the envy of all those in the land of the double-wide. Said Texas Jimmy (born Jimmy-Tim-Antoine-Marcus Ghouleghei VI, 1962, Austin, Texas) owner and proprietor of Jimmy-Tim's Used Trailer Heaven, "That there is the mother of all trailer parks. My grandaddy, Jimmy-Tim IV, would've put shoes on to get into that trailer park, and that there's sayin' somethin', boy." Already pissed off because the saucer shaped craft pulled up next to the booth and tried to get him to open the door, the Fat Kid failed to recognize the ship as that of Tan.
After an argument wherein Tan threatened to call the police because the Fat Kid refused to sell gas to the interstellar traveler because he called him an asshole, the ship began to take off. The Fat Kid, flipping Tan the bird, suddenly realized that the ship was that of Tan. Now cognizant of what he'd done, the Fat Kid quickly scribbled out his best imitation of one of Riley's symbols on a napkin. But in the absence of crayons, he had no choice but to use a Bic.
After several hours of intense scrutiny on the part of the alien, and three phone calls, he concluded that the symbol was in fact a fake and left the Fat Kid standing there like a retard under the disabled canopy lights, waving his fake-ass Biaviian symbol at the ship, screaming, "I hope you fucking die you little alien bitch motherfucker!" Our super-duper secret, booth mounted cameras captured images of the Fat Kid feeling sorry he hadn't heeded Jared's warning to prepare for "when the shit comes down." The shit most certainly has come down. Realm spies reportedly called Vern to report that the lights were out, and that the Fat Kid let an alien in the booth. However, no punitive action could be taken against the Fat Kid because power returned shortly after Tan's departure, and the alien was gone along with any evidence that they had played chess.
This visit fulfills two prophecies of Martin's; first that a space ship would appear somewhere over the continental United States between the years 2000 and 3000, and secondly that Tan would return to pick up all those who had tickets to board the ship before the earth becomes uninhabitable, though this second prophecy is eight years early. Martin made the following comment, "My bad. I spaced on the date."
The Shadow's sources indicate that the ship then proceeded to Jared's trailer where he was informed by a bitch with fat titties that Jared was at work. The ship then changed course to the then floundering, now defunct, Pizza Subline, the place of business Jared listed on his space ship ticket registration card, after finding that he wasn't home. Unfortunately, Jared was out on a delivery.