“On Sunday begins the Chinese Year of the Pig and it’s going to suck big time," said ex-Makati feng shui mistress and now thobe and bashiya wearing Riyadh guest worker E. R. Navarro.

The pig is one of the animals of the Chinese zodiac(which includes a lizard like dragon) on a 12-year lunar calendar cycle. Each animal year is associated with five elements: metal, water, wood, fire and earth. Normally, couples like to hump like rabbits so they can have babies born during the Year of the Pig because the child is more likely to grow up being hardworking and lucky. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary(the cross dressing ghost of Richard M. Nixon) are pigs.

However, soon the shit comes down according to many fortune tellers and others in the know. “This Pig Year is dominated by fire and water which means conflict and skirmish," so said Makati bartender and BBW squeezer Borge, “it’s going to be shitty! Ugly happenings between the fat bellied pork eatin’ Americans and all those pig hating Mohammedans."

Feeling all this negativity, I decided to do what any bored asshole with a Tiger sign would do, I checked out my Year of the Pig Horoscope. Tiger Rating: 65% (9 favorable, 1 neutral and 2 unfavorable months).

Decanus