The Fat Kid Reporting

The Buckalew estate has long been the scene of mysterious doings and strange meetings. First, his über-hot common-law wife disappeared and was replaced by the unemployable couch-weight we've seen in recent years, then strange UFO sightings said to have to do with The Coming of Tan, and now Buckalew has displayed his mastery of the art of reanimation.

Insiders report that Buckalew has brought his dead fish back to life with all the ease and facility an earth doctor shows in screwing the working poor. His method is so simple, organic, and ingenius it was doubtlessly given to him by Biaviians. Each day he adds material from an air tight canister, labelled "Wardley Betta Food" to his fish's tank. Since this is the only action he takes regarding the fish, it follows that this is the cause of the new life given to the long dead creature.

The long dead fish sporting a fluffy white coat of fungus that sprung to life after the mysterious "Buckalew Treatment."

Bluezer0 scientists maintain that the continuous addition of "Wardley Betta Food" creates an environment rich in the vitamins, minerals, and organic matter necessary for fungal growth, and that this is how Jared was able to give new life to his dead fish. A Bluezer0 biologist said "Though the fish has not regained its own life, it has been given new life in that the new fungus growing from its corpse, and the bacterial life that will soon engulf the tank, have been created, as it were, by Buckalew's new method."

Doctors around the globe are stunned, and intent on finding a source for "Wardley Betta Food." The guys at Petco had run out, and suggested they try Pet Smart.

The Fat Kid reporting

By popular demand, Bluezer0 will take a hiatus from covering weighty news like the conflicts in east Africa and Baghdad. With a resounding “Dude, chill,” our readers have indicated that their interest lies elsewhere. So, we have set about gathering entertainment news relevant to our particular journalistic style.

To wit; before The Shadow’s foray into the Middle East, MTV camera crews shot some test reels of The Shadow’s home for an upcoming episode of Cribs. Once the network realized that only four people know who or what The Shadow is, they scrapped the idea, and tossed the film. A source in California has provided me with still shots from those reels. So, Bluezer0 will soon present our own written version of MTV’s Cribs, which will be called Hizzles, Which is Similar to but Legally Distinct from Cribs. Check for updates on this and other thrilling stories here at Bluezer0.com or .net or whatever we are!

The Fat Kid reporting

Fat Kid’s note: I contacted The Shadow at DiscountPharmacopeia.com Presents the Xanwood Minimum Security Mental Hospital in Nuclear Springs, New Jersey, and he agreed to add his own comments to the following pictorial.

Shadow,

I am assuming that your non-response to my email regarding the yet to be posted story Absinthe Night At The Waterford is due to one of two possibilities or maybe both. First, you are way too busy humping Consuela the washer woman now that you've liberated some of those lil' blue pills during your recent hospital stay. Or second, you've found twenty bucks on the sidewalk and are enjoying the two pizza special from Pat's for the second day in a row. If you don't respond soon, I'll further assume that your silence is confirmation of both or at least one of my earlier assumptions.

-Decanus

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Shadow's recovery at Xanwood isn't going so well. The number and intensity of his panic attacks has increased, and other health problems (not least of which is carpal tunnel) are keeping him from too much typing. So, I will be filling in for The Shadow for a little while.

Next: Jesus Must Be Stopped!

A Semi-Coherent Rant by that most corpulent of bloggers, The Fat Kid

Black Jesus, a cult leader and David Icke rival for the title of Craziest Son of God, kills then eats his sex slaves!

-Decanus

Does the state of world lizardry have you feeling gloomy? Can’t afford quality mental health care? Well, if you own a Macintosh you’re in luck. Free psychotherapy, yes free! Just logon to your OS X: In terminal, type emacs and then press return. Press esc, then x, and now type the word doctor, press return. At the prompt type a brief description of your troubles and then press return twice. Lean back on that couch and keep replying. The session is free!

-Decanus

Self-loathing, brooding, shame and anger. These are the emotions thickening the air like stale crackers added to a salty microwavable soup at the BlueZer0 home office. Kevin Federline now has his own search engine on the web. Having no fear of going toe to toe with Google, Britney’s cuckold has leap frogged past Bluezer0 and hopped right into the internet’s biggest circus tent. “That should be us, we should be a contender,” barks BZ’s webmaster in a voice that echoes through the office’s indoor shooting range along with the booms of large caliber rounds going off. “If only the Shadow was funnier or, better yet, caught on Youtube in some perverted sado sex scandal, we would have big time press coverage and we would be making Google kinda’ loot!” He continues, "God, we’re less popular than Gay-fed! Hey man, pass me another beer!"

-Decanus

Editor's note: Nearly lost to history for a second time, many manhours of tedious data retrieval work by Pimples Malone, TZR’s archival database specialist, was required to reassemble this important work of historical writing from several old The Zero Recusancy website postings.

By Jared Buckalew

I think I like porn so much because it has always been around in my house since I was a kid. I found my first playboy when I was seven. Been looking at tits and ass on a regular basis ever since. They say to keep this stuff away from kids, but it didn’t warp my mind, society did.

The Fat Kid Reporting. . .