A team of Caribbean doctors (two MDs, one doctor of osteology, and a witch doctor) have released test results confirming the widely-believed notion that Anna Nicole Smith was a chubby, bubble-headed, pill-popper.

“Her appearance shows very clearly that she is chubby,” said Dr. Ngawa Otchere, the MD leading the team, “but visual data are objective. These test results cannot be contested. There is a systematic scale, called Horowitz’s Amplitude Index, that uses height/weight ratios derived from history’s hottest chicks, and which takes into account variables such as breast size, brain mass, and intra-cranial helium. On this scale she falls into the ‘chubby’ gradation. In fact, on that continuum, she is closer to ‘plump’ than ‘thick,’ indicating that she was more likely to move up the scale than down.”

This is no revelation, as her marked weight-gain in recent years and her roller coaster battle of the bulge were highly publicized, mainly in the painful, cringe-inducing, Anna Nicole Show, and her ads for a weight loss drug Bluezer0 declines to name.

Her bubble-headedness, however, was a more hotly debated topic among those who gave a shit. Some maintained that during her younger years, when she was mainly known for doing some old guy from Texas, and frequent appearances on The Howard Stern Show, she was a paragon of hotness outshone only by the sun, Aldebaran, Betelgeuse, and Jenna Jameson. Others maintained that she had a Frankenstein head which, as the name would suggest, was wide and flat at the top, and tapered down to a normal-range width at the chin. Whether you side with the former group or the latter, there’s no denying that Anna Nicole had an awfully big forehead.

Folashade Oppong, Doctor of Osteology, took an outside caliper to her head, and noted an unusually wide, flat cranium, suggesting that she may have fallen, or been beaten with a mallet. But that’s not all, said doctor Oppong. “Bubble-headedness is a two dimensional metaphor. Yes, it does suggest that her head was unusually big – distended, as it were, like a bubble – but the metaphor also suggests emptiness of the head, which we have found as well. When we opened the cranial cavity, it was somewhat windy inside, and the brain itself weighed less than a hundred grams. I know Americans are on the old English system, so imagine like a hundred dime bags or so. Which really isn’t much at all for a human brain. That’s more like cat size, or a small dog, like a Yorkie, or that dog from Frasier.”

Dr. Oppong also suggested the possibility of genetic disorders, caused either by heredity or environmental factors. She said, “Anna Nicole was from Texas, where the air quality is worse than Tokyo at rush hour. Just before Anna Nicole’s birth, a state law was passed to eliminate all ambient oxygen to make room for greenhouse gasses, pickup truck exhaust, mercury vapor, and Jesus.” Luckily, law makers there were too stupid to realize the law was impossible to enact.

This may have contributed to Anna Nicole’s bubble-headedness. According to the EPA, which has been banned from the state, for a pregnant woman to breathe in Texas is equivalent to bathing the fetus in thalidomide, or living in Delaware. That is, it’s magnitudes worse than ‘bad.’ Breathing by pregnant women has also been banned by the ignorant hicks in power – a bill which passed as a rider to the law denying first amendment rights to those who can read (the city of San Antonio was outraged). Known birth defects caused by breathing in the Lone Star State include bubble-headedness, gigantism, dwarfism, autism (more commonly known as republicanism or conservatism), retardation, Gein Syndrome, Hicks’ Palsy (known as “the southern drawl”), hare lip, piety, nationalism (commonly called patriotism), blindness, and hairy palms.

Insofar as the pills, the team issued the following formal statement: Dude, everybody knew she was high all the time.

Also, the team’s witch doctor revealed the slightly less obvious news that Anna’s zombie is planning a co-comeback with Michael Jackson in Thriller II: Hey kid, wanna pet my giraffe?

Count Mikhëil von Wilsey could not be reached at Verzögert Castle because he had to get the money out of the soda machines; Prince Frederic von Anhalt and former attorney Howard K. Stern declined to comment.