The Fat Kid Reporting

The Buckalew estate has long been the scene of mysterious doings and strange meetings. First, his über-hot common-law wife disappeared and was replaced by the unemployable couch-weight we've seen in recent years, then strange UFO sightings said to have to do with The Coming of Tan, and now Buckalew has displayed his mastery of the art of reanimation.

Insiders report that Buckalew has brought his dead fish back to life with all the ease and facility an earth doctor shows in screwing the working poor. His method is so simple, organic, and ingenius it was doubtlessly given to him by Biaviians. Each day he adds material from an air tight canister, labelled "Wardley Betta Food" to his fish's tank. Since this is the only action he takes regarding the fish, it follows that this is the cause of the new life given to the long dead creature.

The long dead fish sporting a fluffy white coat of fungus that sprung to life after the mysterious "Buckalew Treatment."

Bluezer0 scientists maintain that the continuous addition of "Wardley Betta Food" creates an environment rich in the vitamins, minerals, and organic matter necessary for fungal growth, and that this is how Jared was able to give new life to his dead fish. A Bluezer0 biologist said "Though the fish has not regained its own life, it has been given new life in that the new fungus growing from its corpse, and the bacterial life that will soon engulf the tank, have been created, as it were, by Buckalew's new method."

Doctors around the globe are stunned, and intent on finding a source for "Wardley Betta Food." The guys at Petco had run out, and suggested they try Pet Smart.