BlueZer0.net

TFK: So, according to Bluzer0 brass, you’re goldbricking. Is that so?

TS: Absolutely not. I’ve got carpal tunnel, or something like it. It might be osteoarthritis, or a pinched nerve or something. Plus I married Consuela.

TFK: The washer woman?

TS: That’s right. She needed citizenship and I needed a girl who couldn’t go to the cops, so it’s a good arrangement for us. Ain’t that right, baby?

Consuela: Sea idiota reservado. Voy a tomar su dinero cuando usted duerme.

TS: That’s right, baby. You just keep doing what you’re told, and everything will be OK.

Consuela: Mi pimp le matará pronto, idiota.

TFK: So, what are your plans now? Are you going to continue to write for Bluezer0?

TS: Of course I am. But only big money hustla type stories, you know? I’m not looking out for anymore aliens, or tailing Rumsfeld. So he likes shemale hookers, what republican doesn’t? I’m sick of that political stuff. You can keep that to yourself, you fat bastard.

TFK: Well, I have been filling in for you pretty much since you came back from Africa. But you missed the Anna Nicole story. You should really keep an eye out for that kind of thing. But what about Jared and the aliens and lizards and stuff? We need a wacko beat reporter.

TS: You can do that stuff yourself. No one cares about that, and nothing’s going on anyway. Jared has the good sense these days to hide his wacko beliefs, to keep them from view so I can’t make fun of him. Those days are over. We’ve got to get a profitable site going, with lots of girls gone wild, and ride pimping. And Jay Z. Can we get him?

TFK: No, we definitely can’t. But let’s switch gears -- why aren’t you drinking beer anymore?

TS: I am drinking beer. But it’s wasteful. Beer is only like 5 or 6 percent alcohol. Wine is like twice that. It’s more compact, too. You saw my apartment. You can only fit so many giant boxes of beer in there. And that’s all empty carbohydrates with very little alcohol. I like to maximize.

TFK: Well, when is your next story coming out?

TS: I don’t know yet. [Addressing Consuela] Baby, you get done typing what I told you to type?

Consuela: No. [The Shadow glares at her] Las mujeres son más fuertes que usted. [Consuela spits on him] Su muerte traerá alegría a mucha gente.

TS: It’ll be soon. She’s got to finish the dishes first. [To Consuela] Get in there!

Consuela: [Moving to the bedroom] Tengo una pistola ocultada en el dormitorio. Le mataré.

TS: Yeah, yeah, just get in there.

TFK: So, uh, what’s the new story going to be about?

TS: I don’t know, it’s in there, I wrote it down someplace. It’ll be there soon. Don’t worry. I’ll write something. But right now I gotta take care of this. She’s got a gun in there, so call the INS if you hear a gunshot on your way out.