“I win!” Larry Birkhead shouted as he left the courthouse, where he and his attorney announced that DNA tests proved he was the father. “Gimme my money! Oh, and also the little kid, too. Yes, I love her and the whole bit. But where’s the money? Is this island mine?”

Birkhead, one of eight thousand photographers who have had sex with Anna Nicole, is a blond pipsqueak from Kentucky who picked up Nicole on a dare after she had eaten his twin brother.

“I knew I had to use a different strategy [than my brother], so I bought one of those disposable cameras and told her I was a photographer. That's how I got this job. After I picked her up, I just started saying, 'Yes, I'm a photographer,' and people really believe that shit. I have a picture of her giving me a nasty Sanchez, which of course I would never show now that I’m admitting to being the father of her child.”

Birkhead fled through four states before finally jumping the border to Canada after Anna Nicole told him that he was the baby’s father. But now that she’s gone, and he can enjoy her money in peace, he is ready to take responsibility.

“I’m definitely ready for fatherhood. I’m ready to care for my son Danielle. I was a kid myself, and I remember, you know, some stuff about that. Like, never, no matter how much Boone's Farm he gives you, never hang out with that old guy in the trailer with the windows blacked out. You know, and I’m ready to pass that knowledge along to my offspring. Oh, and once I watched my nephew for a couple minutes while my sister went to the Circle K. I mean, he was sleeping and everything, but still, I was the responsible one if he, like, woke up or something.”

Bluezer0 insider, Count Mikhëil von Wilsey, retreated to his American home, Castle Scheißebohrung, in scenic Newark, Delaware. However, by bribing him with some DVDs of hit sitcom M*A*S*H I was able to get him to comment.

“That guy’s not really the father,” said the Count. “Anna only had sex with people of old families, with royal blood. That guy’s just some dude from Kentucky. He probably paid the tester or something. But I don’t care anyway. I don’t want to hear that kid crying, and the kid might not get any money from the estate anyway. Oooh, I'm going to watch the one where Hawkeye gets drunk and says war is bad!”

When asked to respond to the Count’s comments, Birkhead said, “What? There’s no money yet? I think there still might be some contention about the DNA test, and because I care so much for this wonderful little boy Daniel, I’m going to see to it that the real father is made to pay for the child’s expenses, and to sit with it and change it and everything, because Shawna, my girlfriend, is so not down with doing that.”