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Scientists say bee colonies are collapsing and the bees are dying out due to radiation emitted from cell phones. A lack of bees to pollinate crops threatens a world-wide food shortage that the president has called "liberal posturing."

According to the president's statement, which was signed by Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Apollyon, Zombie Hitler, and Condoleezza Rice, these actions on the part of bees are unacceptable, and will be dealt with by the international community. "The pollination crisis began in the United States, and has now spread to Europe, and we will respond with force if necessary." White House press secretary Dana Perino said, "If those bees think they're dead now, they have another thing coming."

Bush's statement says "The bee community must come together, and find a solution equitable to both bees and humans within forty-eight hours. We will not negotiate with them anymore than we will with Iran. If they fail to comply, we have several squads of F-18s standing by."

The failure of bees to pollinate, according to the statement, does not accord with American prosperity. "Economic growth in this country will continue unabated. There is no ceiling, no maximum density, as some claim. We can go on growing and growing forever, and investors must continue to behave as if that were true. We will not stop cell phone production, operation, or sales, and neither will we be bullied into wasting money developing phones that do not affect the bees. That would cost American businessmen money they do not have to spend. Cingular Wireless posted a profit of only three hundred and thirty-three million, on thirty-four billion in revenue. I will protect the small business man."

"This death on the part of the bees," the document continues, "by hindering growth, hurts the economy, and is unpatriotic. Our troops over seas cannot continue to do their job knowing that there are no bees, and that in order to get bees back, their families will have to stop texting each other all the time. There are already too many animals who, by dying, and elemental formations which, by melting, are causing our country undue grief. It is time for all freedom-loving Americans to join together and fight these animals and elements."

According to Perino the president, who allegedly can write and is responsible for this statement, was also targeting the victims of global warming, who are fueling the bleeding-heart firestorm that is putting pressure on the Bush campaign.

Perino said, "The liberals point to these lazy, unfit, and in some cases clearly suicidal animals to try to pressure the president to regulate greenhouse gasses and auto emissions. They point to the rapidly melting ice caps and say there's irrefutable evidence that the earth has never warmed this quickly and that the consequences will be disastrous. Well, we say they are just posturing, and the president will not capitulate. Giant trucks like the Lincoln Navigator, the Cadillac Escalade, and the Chevy Suburban, are necessary to the average American, and to try to limit their emissions is tantamount to saying they should be smaller, lighter, or burn less fuel. How is that supporting the troops? If the democrat majority weren't behind this, al Qaeda would be."

The statement ends by saying that polar bears, the polar ice caps, and the Greenland glacier are behaving in an un-American fashion. Dying species and crumbling elements that actually are American, such as the Florida panther, and thousands of miles of coastline that are being swallowed by the sea, are not supporting our troops.

Perino ended the press briefing solemnly, with a point-blank statement to the bees. "We are sending a very simple message. Come back from the dead, and stop whining."