BlueZer0.net

THE FAT KID SLIGHTLY LESS FAT?

NEWARK (the one in Delaware, not the crazy one with all the guns) -- The Fat Kid was spotted running around the outskirts of Newark, late Friday afternoon, or early evening, whichever way you look at it.

Apparently engaged in an experiment, The Fat Kid was preparing to announce that after having run twenty minutes per day for five days he had lost a total of 23 grams, but after putting on his glasses he realized that it was 2.3. Then he collapsed.

The Fat Kid, pictured here in his bitch-ass running shirt and shorts, seems to have pretty big tits. It also appears to be cold.

THE DOOM PATROL AND BLACK HELICOPTERS?

Later, after regaining consciousness, The Fat Kid claimed to have seen an old black Crown Victoria in Newark that looked like an old police car. The words “Doom Patrol” were written on the side in the kind of letters that you get at the hardware store for your mail box, and on the back was the web addresss, www.alazith.com.

Just a day earlier that same fat fuck reported seeing a black helicopter over the intersection of Delaware route 896 and Christiana Parkway. When asked whether he had, as per his contract with Bluezer0.net, gathered evidence for this assertion, he dissembled.

“I couldn’t get the camera out of my bag quickly enough. That’s why I didn’t report it myself.”

The fact that these two incidents happened just days after The Shadow and Decanus tracked down a redneck alien near Waterford raises eyebrows. Were these events connected?

And the question remains, are local metallers Alazith aligned with the black helicopter pilots or dispatchers? And since Bluezer0 owner and CEO Decanus is loosely associated with the above mentioned metallers, is he in cahoots with the government and repression of truth regarding alien visitors who really dig Skynard?

ETHNIC TYPES PULLED OVER IN NEWARK

In Newark on Friday night, local piglice pulled over some people who were slightly darker than British Isle-type whites. Curious as to whether they were altogether law abiding piglice chucked a big rock (bottom left of the picture) at the windshield. After the possibly Italian or maybe light skinned Mexican motorists fled the scene, officer Swineburne poured sugar into the gas tank and ran away.

FISHING SEASON OPENS IN THE [Censored] COURT POOL!

The public pool in The Shadow’s neighborhood, pictured above in peak condition, has long been known for crappie, sunnies, and the occcasional smallmouth that are unusually wary of lures and even nightcrawlers due to overfishing by starving poor people in the area. This May the local aristocracy have declared open season on this almost uncatchable prey. So, dust off your rods and reels and good luck finding food, hungry people!

THE FAT KID FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO EXPLAIN

The Fat Kid has been slack with his reporting, and in this brief interview he explains why.

TS: So, the last week or so has been pretty busy with news stories. Bush has threatened to veto a bill protecting homosexuals, and he has vetoed a bill that would effectively end the war, and these are the types of things you usually jump on. What's the deal, slacker?

TFK: Well, the thing is, that's just one joke, and I've told it fifty times.

TS: What do you mean?

TFK: Well the president is such a one-dimensional guy, that once you've spoofed how thick and inhumane and money-grubbing he is, it's done. You can't just make the same joke over and over again. I mean, you can, but it gets tired.

TS: So, do you have any projections about when you will post any articles?

TFK: As soon as there's something to write about other than just the president. Something's bound to happen soon. Right now it's just a good week to chill and get wasted.

TS: Well, I'm all wrecked up on Sterno I wrung out in my t-shirt, so word up, Kid. Let's either get, or continue to be, fucked up until something good happens.