BlueZer0.net

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

WASHINGTON -- Character actor Fred Thompson, who has been in such cinematic masterpieces as Days of Thunder, Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Aces: Iron Eagle III, has been called upon by the republican party’s Office of Satanic Rituals to run for president.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – Gearing up for election day is something no one wants to deal with. The democrats don’t much care as long as they get to play Playstation 3 at their desks, and the republicans continue to forward candidates stupid enough to take the Bible literally, while the American people force themselves to believe what, to anyone with a critical eye, is utterly unbelievable: that they’re doing anything at all. Who could tolerate that without an assortment of prescription antacids?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – The candidates met on neutral ground for the first ever Fourth Party Debate: The McDonald’s parking lot on the corner of Chestnut Hill Road and Harmony Road. The location was chosen not only because there was food, but also to provide public access to the debate. Unlike the stuffy mainstream debate forums, we didn’t want security guards hand-picking audience members, using a metal detector to check for pistols, or keeping wackos with aluminum foil in their hats from asking questions about the secret government weather machine – we welcome the wackos and their weather machine questions, and we have pistols of our own in case the shit comes down.

Recent rumors have been whispered about the Waterford community of horrific assaults on early morning and late evening joggers near Loch Waterford. The facts about these attacks have been held tight lipped by most members of the local housing association (WEA). It is assumed they have done so to protect property values from negative publicity that may be caused by the attacks.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK – A global space-bus pass scam has been cracked by 364 year old physicist, Sir Isaac Newton. Apocalypse-advocate Riley Martin was named as the main offender in the scam.

After a few weeks of receiving no responses to our email, we at BZ sent out inquiries to known friends of Kiwigirl about her unusual silence. Only Johnny H. had any sort of lead. He had heard through MySpace.com that she had computer problems. Ridiculous we thought. She is a Penn State trained engineer and ex-NASA rocket scientist turned ex-pat, mum and MI5/6 double agent. No way a little software glitch could keep her down. There had to be something else behind her disappearance. We kept up our search.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK -- For those pathetic saps who don’t already know, The Shadow has been admitted into the super secret Al.D (doctorate in alien studies) program at a prestigious Midwestern university. In order to effect this change The Shadow has been forced to give up the palace known as Shadow Cave and find new digs.

As I, Shadow Humperdink, Esquire, will be moving to Columbus, Ohio by the end of the summer I have launched and executed an exploratory excursion to scout out the area. Check for updates from the road!

The Shadow reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- We left Newark promptly at 6AM, and arrived here in Columbus at 3PM, only an hour behind schedule.