We here at Bluezer0 initially didn’t give a f*ck. Most of the prominent democrats, like Hilary Clinton and Al Gore, believe the same indefensible, backward-ass, fundamentalist bullshit the republicans do. We felt that even if the democrats were able (which they are not) to get a decent candidate in the White House, they would come up with excuse after excuse to continue the war that’s making them all – democrat and republican alike – so much richer, while the people pay the bill. We thought that no one from either side would do anything reasonable about education or health care, and that we as a country would simply continue wallowing in the same sh*t we’ve been wallowing in for years.

However we’ve had a revelation – it is time to endorse third party candidates.

But we didn’t think it was going far enough to endorse a regular ol’ third party candidate. The green party is OK on environmental issues, but they aren’t organized enough regarding financial and alien policies. We are intrigued by the libertarians’ laissez faire attitude but what is their stance on interplanetary tariffs?

So, we decided to eschew the average third party course, and take it one (or two) step(s) further out, and choose candidates that will really make a difference if they are elected.

As we here at Bluezer0 try to maintain a certain objectivity, we didn’t feel that it was right for us to choose just a conservative or just a liberal candidate, either. We try to serve everyone, and do not demand that everyone think the way we do. So, we have chosen one candidate from each side of the liberal-conservative continuum.

Therefore, on the LIBERAL side, we have chosen to endorse Jared Buckalew from the Anti-Lizard Space Party.



Mr. Buckalew does believe in global warming, but he has a different approach to fighting it. He proposes that rather than limiting emissions, we keep fourth-dimensional lizards from sending vibrational waves into our dimension, which he believes will stem the tide. He also proposes outdoor refrigeration to kill all reptiles. Mr. Buckalew, unlike average republican or democratic candidates, actually has a plan for universal health care. Partnering with NOW Foods, Mr. Buckalew proposes that, rather than using the outmoded strategy of fighting illness that we prevent illness altogether. By starting all Americans on a daily regimen of 80,000 milligrams of vitamin C, 900,000 milligrams of beta carotein, and 6,000,000 milligrams of omega-3 fatty acids, along with regular doses of St. John’s Wort, Kava Kava, pot, mescaline, horse tranquilizers, and wormwood/Everclear-based spirits, no one will ever be ill again. With regards to gay marriage, Mr. Buckalew’s position is that they can get married, but he wants to pass a constitutional amendment designating male homosexuality "gross," while female homosexuality should be recognized by the federal government as "both hot, and beneficial." With regard to fiscal policies, Mr. Buckalew relies heavily on the annual birthday money he expects to receive. His stance on the war in Iraq is that it should be ended, and that he should get a free pair of boots, because combat boots are cool.

On the CONSERVATIVE side, Bluezer0 has chosen to endorse Count Mikheil von Wilsey of castle Verzögert, Saxony.



Count von Wilsey was actually born in Albany, New York, and claims residence in Newark, Delaware so he won’t face the same kind of anti-übermensch discrimination that chancellor Schwarzenegger was up against at the council of dark lords who chose potential republican candidates earlier this year. Count von Wilsey is of the newly reformed Standard Oil & It’s Subsidiaries party. Count von Wilsey is paid not to believe in global warming and, in fact, believes that burning hydrocarbon-based fuels actually cools the climate, and its continuation is essential to keep it from getting any warmer. Count von Wilsey, like Mr. Buckalew, has his own universal health care policy which he calls the referral plan. Under the Count’s plan, every Thanksgiving citizens (which will now be called employees) will each receive a coupon for 10% off one doctor’s visit. Though his plan was criticized by some, he maintains that it preserves freedom of choice for employees, allowing them to use the coupon at any doctor they choose, and said coupons are, he stresses, transferable. So, should any citizen manage to buy or trade for a total of ten coupons, he or she could then get one free doctor visit after paying a small eighty dollar multi-coupon fee. The Count’s position on gay marriage is similar to Mr. Buckalew’s policy in that he believes it to be gross, however; it differs in that the Count would not allow it. Von Wilsey would require that all homosexuals stay at least sixty feet from him, and would pass a law precluding homosexuals from coverage under hate crime laws, and would actively seek to repeal any such laws, as well as affirmative action laws, across the board. Count von Wilsey’s fiscal policy is to count the safe daily, keep toothy fat ladies from touching it, and to refuse all loans, including loans to child molesters. The Count believes the war in Iraq is a good thing, as the martial engagement of, and ordnance delivery to, any and all brown people is at the top of his agenda.

Next up: The Count and Mr. Buckalew sound off on policies!