The Shadow reporting. . .
NEWARK – A global space-bus pass scam has been cracked by 364 year old physicist, Sir Isaac Newton. Apocalypse-advocate Riley Martin was named as the main offender in the scam.
Martin, who claims the world will end in 2011 or 2012 or something like that, has been selling space-bus tickets from his website for several years. The passes are drawn with colored pencils or markers, on Staples Brand 30% Recycled Copy Paper. If Martin's prediction were true, passes drawn on this paper would survive long enough to be used. Newton, however, claims the world won’t end until 2060, or slightly thereafter. “It may end later,” he continues, “but I see no reason for its ending sooner.”
Newton, pictured here while playing dress-up, accuses Martin in an old-ass letter.
Newton, a graduate of Cambridge University, the inventor of calculus, and author of the rollicking coming-of-age tale Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which describes classical mechanics and the three laws of motion, has credentials, therefore; his theory is considered superior to that of Martin, a bird-enthusiast.
Martin, pictured here with some of the only terrestrial creatures who believe him, rebuts, saying, "Nah, dude."
Because the world will end almost fifty years after Martin claims, it is highly dubious whether the passes will survive the process of putrefaction, which has already set in on some of the older examples. According to the guy at Staples, “Anything you want to last a long time should be printed on acid-free paper. And that [Staples Brand 30% Recycled Copy Paper] isn’t acid-free.” Martin, Newton speculates, is trying to make money from repeat customers whose passes will dissolve long before the world-wide expiration date of 2060.
Pass-holder Jared Buckalew, whose Buckalew Compound gallery houses several of the passes, could not speak with Bluezer0 because he was holding in a huge bong hit, but he did turn red and flip us the bird. Buckalew Compound insiders, however, claim that though Jared’s passes are only a few years old, they are brown, faded, and brittle – sure signs of putrefaction.
File photo of the Buckalew Compound's famous gallery.
Newton says of his prognostication, "This I mention not to assert when the time of the end shall be, but to put a stop to the rash conjectures of fanciful men who are frequently predicting the time of the end, and by doing so bring the sacred prophesies into discredit as often as their predictions fail."
Comments (11)
If the space-bus pass becomes unintelligible do I lose my Wayfarer status of the Highest Order?
Posted by Totally Gay Porn Star | June 23, 2007 11:17 PM
Posted on June 23, 2007 23:17
gay jesus has only one nipple!
Posted by Big Gunny Wayne | June 23, 2007 11:49 PM
Posted on June 23, 2007 23:49
Hmm, I dont want to be mean, but this pic is just too gay... anyone agree?
Posted by Lei | June 24, 2007 5:40 AM
Posted on June 24, 2007 05:40
All we need is a picture of Von Wilsey in his Sunoco emblazoned heraldic tunic and tights and this whole thread would be gay porn !
Posted by Decanus | June 24, 2007 5:46 AM
Posted on June 24, 2007 05:46
Has anyone ever questioned why Jared still talks to you guys? I mean, seriously.
Also, is that a colorful foot tattooed on his chest?
Posted by Wifely | June 24, 2007 9:48 AM
Posted on June 24, 2007 09:48
Sorry Jared, but it is a mad funny pic.
I'm guessing the tattoo is a dragon with chinese for porn star.
Posted by Decanus | June 24, 2007 12:57 PM
Posted on June 24, 2007 12:57
He should get his space bus pass tattooed on his back so that he can be ever ready for flight. Or is he going to be issued an invitation with an R.S.V.P. card?
Posted by Wifely | June 25, 2007 7:16 AM
Posted on June 25, 2007 07:16
I really thought the space-bus tattoo thing would’ve been the way to go. I guess Riley didn’t really think things through. I mean he still could have made loot designing the tattoos on paper and then the space-bus ticket holder could go to their favorite ink shop. Maybe he thought the idea wouldn’t play very well with people of color, you know, like the blue spotted Venus chicks that Tan pimps out. Oh, well maybe the next really cool ufo cult founder will be a Miami Ink show fan.
Posted by Decanus | June 25, 2007 8:59 AM
Posted on June 25, 2007 08:59
You should move the space bus tickets around on his wall. You know, just change them around and see if he notices. And if he does, and you see him looking at them a little strangely, you should ask him if he is troubled. Then he'll think your psychic and you will be his new god.
Posted by Wifely | June 25, 2007 6:39 PM
Posted on June 25, 2007 18:39
Jared is smarter than an average 700 Club member. I don’t think he’d fall for it. More importantly, a real man never touches another man’s holiest of holiness. That’s just too gay even for this thread. Look and poke fun, sure, but never touch! Besides, I’d rather be a God to teen runaways and sell my story for a true to life movie on Lifetime Television.
Posted by Decanus | June 25, 2007 10:43 PM
Posted on June 25, 2007 22:43
I love them lifetime Movies
Posted by johnny h. | June 28, 2007 12:56 PM
Posted on June 28, 2007 12:56