The Fat Kid reporting. . .
WASHINGTON -- Character actor Fred Thompson, who has been in such cinematic masterpieces as Days of Thunder, Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Aces: Iron Eagle III, has been called upon by the republican party’s Office of Satanic Rituals to run for president.
Party insiders who spoke with Bluezer0 under condition of anonymity said the strategy does concede the republican need for professional actors, but that it’s a gambit that has a rich history with their party, and was endorsed by Strom Thurmond’s zombie.
“What we have is an untenable agenda, that profits only the top three percent, and the only part of it that the public sees is mostly lies and tap-dancing, flag-waving bullshit designed to make anyone who opposes us look unamerican. That’s the watchword. But it’s such ridiculous eagle scout, salute the flag, Jesus loves you type stuff that no one can keep a straight face. So we need someone with acting skills -- you know, professional training -- to deliver this crap to the media.”
The bold move is similar to the strategy employed by the republican party of the 1980’s who hired Ronald “The Most Ridiculous Man in Hollywood” Reagan to provide a face for their raft of imperialistic proletariat-raping shit.
“You remember the deal with Iran Contra and ‘I don’t recall, I don’t recall’?” the source continued. “Do you seriously think anyone except a method actor could keep from admitting that they were complicit? Even Reagan had trouble. During practice sessions his advisors used to burn him with cigarettes to keep him from laughing out loud.”
Bluezer0’s source also said that they had tried to line up an actor ahead of time, but were unable to get around the law that states a person has to have been born in the US in order to be its president. “Schwarzenegger was the perfect candidate for the republican party -- he was likable, could do both comedy and drama, had the proper Nazi connections and blood -- but they couldn’t change that one law. When their proposal to burn the all copies of the constitution was shot down because of the rider attached to it that would allow unrestricted search and seizure of the property of anyone with skin darker than Edgar Winter's, Schwarzenegger’s chances went down the tubes.”
Secretary of the Office of Satanic Rituals John Ashcroft said that the party’s Grand Wizard, Robert E. Lee, has decreed from beyond the grave that Thompson would first have to show his skills in a political debate, but that once he showed he proved himself he could be considered for the position.
Rudolph Giuliani, another potential presidential candidate for the GOP, said that he would be honored to debate with Thompson, but that Thompson would have the advantage. “I’ve been in New York a long time, so I know how acting goes, but he’s done it professionally, so he might have an edge over me. But the way I look at it is, regardless of who wins party backing, as long as the war goes on and we make our money on munitions sales, our agenda is forwarded. Hail Satan. Oops, they changed it recently. I think now it’s Heil Satan. My apologies to the Prince of Lies.”
Democrats, when asked to respond, said that they would do it this afternoon but, predictably, never showed up. It seems that the party’s weed dealer had just gotten this major score, and plus they had money riding on the Nationals game, so they just wanted to chill. During the coming week they will be taking their mistresses to see Les Miserables, so they won’t really have time to do it until next weekend. But, Bluezer0 was assured, we would receive a response within six to eight weeks.