The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – That fat fucker known only as The Shadow has been missing from the Bluezer0 scene for quite a while now, and we here in the offices have been wondering why. We speculated that he had been arrested, murdered, evicted, or that his internet had been shut off, but then another solution emerged – that he was preparing to move to that wondrous metropolis, Columbus, Ohio.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Count’s campaign claims the Buckalew Palace resident feline Kisses the cat has been forced by hunger pains to beg for food at the suite doors of Palace guests.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK -- In preparing to leave this carcinogenic shit hole, I’ve been reflecting a bit. I visited the home of my grandmother where I lived for ten years, and have visited innumerable times. I walked down Main Street, where I trolled for pussy innumerable (fruitless) times. I revisited the liquor stores from which I shop lifted, the gas stations where I’ve worked, the McDonald’s where I gained the bulk of my inhuman pudge, the um, well there isn’t anything else in Delaware. But the point is that I visited everything there was for me to visit, and while trying to get a grasp on what I’ve learned, or to scrape up some kind experience I could take away from here, I found myself strangely silent, strangely still.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK -- Over the next few days Bluezer0’s minion, The Shadow, will be altogether Incommunicado while maintaining Radio Silence, both of which are, by the way, titles of lesser known (but still very good) Harvey Danger songs.