BlueZer0.net

Columbus, seen here, is often referred to as “the boondocks with crack heads.”

In the interest of finding out, and cranking out another idiotic soft-news story, I went to visit The Shadow in his fabulous Newark hovel to see what kind of preparations he’s been making for the trip. I knocked, hoping that he could spare me a moment, and he graciously let me squeeze in, between the wall and the other wall, and speak with him.

FK: So, what have you been doing with your time?

TS: Nothing, really. Just chillin’.

FK: So, you aren’t preparing to move?

TS: Oh, that. Well, I’ve done a couple things.

FK: Like what?

TS: Well, for example, I got myself a pistol.

FK: For what?

TS: Well, we’re going to have to hop some trains to get to Columbus, and you don’t want a hobo to catch you without a pistol. They’ll eat you.

FK: I see, so you’re riding the rails. That’s. . . well it’ll get you there. So, have you been taking care of getting your utilities turned on and everything?

TS: Well, because I’m going back to school, we’re going to have to cut back on luxury items, like utilities. I mean, I’m not Thurston fucking Howell over here. But I’m getting things ready. Like, it gets cold there in the winter because of the lake and all, so I got a couple cans of Sterno, and I got that bitch some fluffy socks because she’s always saying her feet are cold.

FK: Are you excited?

TS: People keep asking me that.

FK: What do you keep saying?

TS: Shut the fuck up. No, I’m not excited. Maybe I will be excited when school starts, or when it’s getting ready to start, but not right now. Right now, I’ve got a lot of shit ahead of me. I have to move. I’m not excited about carrying boxes. My back hurts for no reason already, and I’m only 29, so after I’m done with the boxes, I expect I’ll be in traction for a while.

FK: What kind of curriculum do you expect to take on at [censored] State?

TS: I’m looking into better methods of alien detection. In other words, I want to be able to see what other people can’t see. For instance, when normal people look at George Bush, they just see a dickhead. But when people like David Icke look at GWB, they’re able to see a reptilian alien of some kind. I want to be able to see that. You know, things that aren’t there but that if I convince people they are there, I can get them to buy stuff from me.

FK: I see, so you’re looking to create a niche for yourself in the “suckering morons” industry.

TS: Yes, that’s why I’m moving to what they call the trailer belt of the US. That’s where the money is for people in this industry.

FK: You’ve said previously that you’re going to get an Al.D, doctorate in alien studies. So you’re going to study aliens to see what kinds of alien-related theories you can come up with.

TS: Something like that. Effectively, I want to learn to move information. That is, get information to the public. I’ll get my degree so I’ll know enough about aliens, and then I’ll find an angle. You know, an end-of-the-world scenario that’ll frighten them, and then I’ll claim to have information that is vital to their survival of this scenario. I’ll market that information in easy-to-read books with bright, colorful, cartoon covers that’ll attract the eye.

FK: I see.

TS: Comic books with big words.

FK: Right. So, you’re going to throw your hat in that ring, huh? What about Riley and Icke?

TS: What about them? They aren’t worth reporting on, anymore. I’m going to find out what’s happening in the outer-space world, so to speak, and report on it myself, right here at Bluezer0.net.

FK: Wow, so we’ll have new things to read about here.

TS: So, lemme ask you a question. What’s with your absence? Why haven’t you been keeping up with current events and all that? And what’s with the last minute, half-ass effort at an article? Are you just trying to throw in some work at the last minute to make sure you get paid?

FK: No, I don’t expect to get paid for this last ditch effort. I’m a busy man. I’ve been sick. I’ve had a lot to do. This interview is over!