The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Democrats Fold Quicker than Kenny Rogers with a Pair of 2’s
WASHINGTON – Nevada senator, Democratic Majority Leader, and notorious limp dick, Harry Reid has backed down yet again on the topic of the war in Iraq. After pulling the topic from discussion, he said, “We’ll return to this topic at a later date, wink wink and then we’ll really get some progress made. And I mean it this time wink wink. Seriously. We’re gonna do it, and end this war. For real.”
President to Have Colonoscopy
ALSO WASHINGTON, AND PARTLY CRAWFORD, TEXAS – The alleged president will be having a colonoscopy Saturday, and during that time the powers of the president will briefly transfer to vice president and High Priest of the Prince of Darkness, Dick Cheney. The High Priest said, “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
President Bush, commenting, as usual, from his ranch in Crawford, Texas said, “Yeah, that Dick’s a funny guy. I am too, though – listen to this one I made up. For once someone’s going to be putting something in my ass, rather than me pulling something out of it. Ain’t that one good? Mom thought that was gangbusters, and that I oughta say it to y’all. But I ain’t queer, though. This ain’t like a butt-sex thing, they just gotta take a look around, and then they’re outta there.”
Another Freaking Earthquake – Guess Where
SAN FRANCISCO – On Friday morning at 4:42 AM, peak time for ass-related activities in the city of brotherly love, there was another freaking earthquake. Local jock inspector Bruce Johnson commented, “Yeah, another one. So what?” Quote unquote Street Contractor Lance Steel said, “Whatever. What, are you just waiting for the day Jesus is going to come and kill us all?”
More Whores in DC
WASHINGTON – Some fish monger released the phone numbers of all her clients after being prosecuted unjustly (according to her). Everyone pretended to be surprised when it turned out that all types of beltway insiders were involved, and then everyone pretended that they themselves were moral, and started condemning the actions of those involved. Experts say, “Who gives a shit?”
More Lies From the White House
WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Tony Snow, who not even cancer can kill, said that despite their own report which says otherwise, significant progress has been made in Iraq.
“The report does say that very little, if any, progress has been made in Iraq. But that’s not true. Lots of progress has been made.” When asked why the report says otherwise Mr. Snow responded, “Well, it appears that in fact no progress has been made. However, the president, and Mr. Cheney, and Mr. Christ all feel like the report is wrong, and are satisfied with the action that has been taken, and the course the war is on. They’re making lots of money, and there’s a ton of carnage, and the poor of both countries are bearing the weight of this, so what does anyone care for anyway?”
Asked how he became resistant to cancer, Mr. Snow replied, “I know a guy down at the crossroads that you can make a deal with. He’s cool. You need me to summon him for you? I just need a chicken foot.”
Some Other Stuff
SOME OTHER PLACE – In countries that don’t produce or consume much oil, and therefore don’t matter, there’s some stuff happening. People are starving and suffering in all types of horrific ways that make them skinny and unappealing, not to mention that these are countries of mostly brown people, which makes them even more difficult to market, so we shouldn’t pay much attention to them. Instead we can just make that face that shows a false sense of concern, and then, when no one’s looking, we can relax and eat more Doritos brand snack chips and read People Magazine.
