Your pal the Fat Kid, being scum compared to the celebrities, can only stand outside and note the rich and powerful men and women who come and go throughout the night.

The guest list has not been released, but so far paparazzi have spotted all your favorite cultural icons -- Theodor Adorno and Max Horkheimer arrived together wearing matching sailor outfits, followed by Louis Althusser, Michel Foucault, Kate Millet, and Nicole Ritchie singly.

Louis Althusser said, “It’s a dead man’s party, who could ask for more?”

Simone de Beauvoir was taken away by ambulance after reportedly doing sixteen shots of Cognac out of Ezra Pound’s navel, while Virginia Woolf cheered her on -- Sartre was nowhere to be found. Pound followed the EMT’s and the unconscious de Beauvoir to the ambulance begging, “Just let me have a few minutes alone with her. Who’ll know?” When they refused, he took a swing at one of them, then fell over. He was arrested minutes later by Columbus police who were on patrol.

Pound, looking grim as ever, dreams of what might have been.

As the night goes on, it is only getting louder and rowdier here at the Triad. I wish I had a drink, but the champagne fountain is clearly marked No peasants!

Simone de Beauvoir, of Second Sex fame, likes to slurp French liquor from men’s body cavities with her girlie, V to the Woolf.

Woolf was heard to say, “Let’s go swimming afterwards.”