The Fat Kid reporting. . .
COLUMBUS -- Reports of strange objects over the past few days have escalated, so I staked out the exclusive back parking lot area of Chåteau Clintonville, remaining hidden, raccoon-like, behind a dumpster in hopes of catching a glimpse of the visitors. For several hours I heard strange noises among the leaves and bushes, which turned out to be the tossing of Natural Light cans from the back of a gray conversion van. Disappointed, I buckled down again, and waited.
Around three AM, in the freezing cold of the Ohio winter, I noticed a strange glow coming from above. I saw that the sky between the trees seemed black but for the pulsating blue and red lights. Firing up the digicam, I caught the following footage.
The Fat Kid recorded this really shitty but obviously very real footage of an alien craft landing in Chåteau Clintonville.
As the craft moved carefully along, it seemed to be scanning the area for life forms. Noting the dormant poison ivy that covers the border of our beloved back lot, and the hobos who sleep and drink and urinate there, and who sometimes sleep in the laundry rooms of our buildings, it didn’t seem satisfied, as it continued to scan. Finally, it seemed to notice me behind the dumster. This reporter isn’t ashamed to admit that he was terrified, and ran at top speed all the way up three flights of stairs and locked himself in his apartment. But he was too late.
I stood with my back to the door, sweating, but then noticed the blue and red lights from within my own apartment! I hit the light switch in the kitchen, and recorded the following footage.
The alien craft flies with the dexterity of a bat, and the majesty of an eagle. You know, like Brian Westbrook, when he lays down at the one yard line.
Without thinking I left the apartment, and ran out into the street. Even after I had run several blocks, I could still see the lights over Clintonville. Feeling no place was safe, I caught a bus to L’École des Beaux Lézards where, after being confronted by a shotgun-wielding, wife beater-clad Shadow, I begged for quarter.
The batteries in my camera had died, and The Shadow’s school is not equipped for electricity, so I couldn’t show him the footage I have displayed here, however, as we (and Consuela) huddled for warmth around the fire, I described to him the bizarre events of the evening.
The Shadow seemed convinced, based on my account, that what I had seen was a very specific type of UFO surveillance. The ship in the parking lot was a distraction meant to keep me busy, while the smaller probe or, in the parlance, “drone” went through my apartment. It seems that the aliens have been tipped off as to BlueZer0 and The Shadow’s acquaintance with their plot to get people to probe in return for supplying our government for “strange and awesome metal they don’t even make here on earth” (Shadow 23).
As of this time, I have not returned to my apartment, because spotted Venetian chicks with big probes and inside-out cow fetishes are frightening. What will happen next? Not even The Shadow knows!
