BlueZer0.net

Knowing that 3AM is the prime hour for ghostly disport, I began setting up at 2, finishing roughly 2:15, and shortly thereafter tried to contact the resident ghost. My spirit medium/scullery maid Consuela was not able to channel the being, and only able to repeat the message, “Espero que mil perros le viole,” so I was forced to use the much more dangerous Ouija board system, from which it is highly recommended that amateurs refrain.

After a little while, as we approached the true witching hour, there was a sign. Somewhere off in the distance, we seemed to hear a bell chime three times, which was surely not the church down the block, but must have been the ghost signaling his presence.

After working out some preliminary kinks, where some guys named Baal and Belial were messing with me, I was able to record the following interview, which is transcribed here for your edification.

TS: Is there anyone here?

Ghost: Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

TS: Who dat?

Ghost: Tom Kernan. This is my apartment.

TS: Do you know that you are dead?

Ghost: Yup.

TS: How’d you die?

Ghost: I was drinking at a bar on Grafton Street, and I fell down the steps and bit off part of my tongue. Then they threw me out. A friend brought me here.

TS: That killed you?

Ghost: Nah, dude. I sort of stumbled in, and put on my Scorpions LP, and then I slumped down in front of the stereo to, like, listen to it, you know? And then I was dead.

TS: So, you bled to death, then?

Ghost: Nope. Aspirated my stomach contents, and then asphyxiated.

TS: Meaning. . .

Ghost: Choked on my own vomit. Like Hendrix. It was awesome.

TS: What year was this?

Ghost: 1984.

TS: Why are you still here?

Ghost: I dunno. I guess I’m looking for that old LP. Love at First Sting. It was awesome. I died on the day I bought the record, and only got to listen to it one time. So now I’m doomed to search the earth for that record.

TS: You realize that record’s illegal to own in the United States.

Ghost: No way, dude. The Scorpions rule!

TS: Um, no they don’t. But the world didn’t realize that until 1988. Then they wrote that song Winds of Change, which was about how they were going out of style, and how people now realized they were cheese rock. The next year, after Germany apologized for Scorpions, they let the Berlin wall come down.

Ghost: Whoa. What’s the boiling wall?

TS: Nothing. But the point is, you can’t get that record anymore. It’s been banned in 68 countries. I think you can still get it in Laos, and the Ivory Coast.

Ghost: Then it looks like I’m staying.

TS: You don’t want to go to 80’s heaven, and hang out with 80’s people, like that one chick from Poltergeist, who might appreciate your mullet.

Ghost: How’d you know I had a mullet?

TS: I just assumed.

Ghost: Anyway, no. I don’t feel like it. I wanna find it. It’s got to be around here someplace, dude.

TS: All right. Well, how about this -- you become a correspondent from the land of the dead for Bluezer0.net?

Ghost: What the hell is that?

TS: Bluezer0 is a website, which is a sort of complicated thing you wouldn’t understand. It’s how people in these times get information through computers.

Ghost: I know about the internet -- that’s where I get my ghost porn. What’s a correspondent?

TS: Um, it means that when we have questions about death, or the dead, we can come to you and you can give us information.

Ghost: What’s in it for me?

TS: I’ll try to help you locate that record.

Ghost: Awesome!