BlueZer0.net

Chateau Clintonville -- From his penthouse suite, The Fat Kid spies the FedEx van pulling out of the parking lot and he hurries to the lobby to receive his package from the chateau's safe clerk. No longer can he ride without tunes in his cool, stretched, but music-free COTA limousine. He must have his new, but pre-loved, iPod. A 4th generation classic model that he bid for and won on Ebay.

A consumer protection feature by everyone’s favorite butterball, The Fat Kid. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- After weeks and weeks of trying to get their saucers and shitty Venetian-made (they’re just like America, but they have slightly more hydrochloric acid in their atmosphere) computer hardware to function properly, it looks as if the government/Venetian goons of Area 4041 are back at it. As you know, they failed in their first attempt to retaliate against BZ for outing their plans of world domination through mind control drugs and intra-sycamore computers that interrupt brain wave frequencies, as outlined in The Shadow’s eBook, and that their attempt at an attack was an embarrassment to illuminati and “freedom haters” everywhere.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- As I was stumbling home from the titty bar Monday night, I stopped for a second to dig my keys out of my my otherwise empty pocket, when I saw a note sticking out from under my door. The writing was indecipherable Alienese. I immediately rushed to the BZ offices, note in hand, but the offices were completely empty. At that hour, there’s only one person on staff, anyway -- BZ owner/CEO Decanus. But he wasn't there. There was only eerie silence.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Being utterly lootless, and therefore powerless to ransom BZ owner/CEO Decanus from his vicious Biaviian captors, the entire BlueZer0 organization had a brainstorming session last night. It ended early due to infighting, however, being the only attendant possessed of pen and paper I did manage to record the following suggestions:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus -- Two days ago I was summoned to L’École Des Beaux Lézards, the school so secret that you can’t even get the address. The Shadow, who is owner, president, and professor at L’École is also dean of the Department of Technology, and it was to this department that I was summoned (which is to say, the Northeast corner of the barn, where the work bench is).

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- BZ staffers have worked for days now trying to decode the message concealed in Decanus’s use of Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” to communicate with the people of earth. However, as one may have expected, they came up with relatively little. One staffer said, “Isn’t there, like, a book called that, and it, like, has the N-word in it or something? I was s’posed to read that in the ninth grade. But I didn’t.” Another proclaimed, “Dude, it says he gets high. That dude from the song gets high, man. You totally know he does, too.”

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Columbus -- From his lair/“school” on the outskirts of Columbus, The Shadow has been firing off emails to everyone he knows, denying that there are inaccuracies in his translation of the Alienese ransom note delivered to The Fat Kid’s home in the city’s Clintonville section.

Help us to ransom BZ owner/CEO Decanus from his vicious Biaviian captors. Please donate to the (Canadian) Dollars for Decanus fund or buy a trendy new t-shirt from our new online store.

-Pimples Malone (BZ Webmaster)