The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville -- Being utterly lootless, and therefore powerless to ransom BZ owner/CEO Decanus from his vicious Biaviian captors, the entire BlueZer0 organization had a brainstorming session last night. It ended early due to infighting, however, being the only attendant possessed of pen and paper I did manage to record the following suggestions:
1. That we put in applications at the Subway restaurant right across from [Censored] State University campus, where they’re hiring sandwich makers, and assistant managers.
2. That we break into the liquor store, and take the money and a couple cases of Barefoot cabernet sauvignon because it’s the cheapest. [The person who made this suggestion seemed to think it would weigh the least by virtue of being least expensive, a notion we tried to divest him of, and to which he clung obdurately, using an admirably Shadow-like defensive logic.]
3. That we apply at the Kroger up High Street, where they’re hiring baggers and cart boys.
4. That we move into the woods in Whetstone Park, and live Robinson Crusoe-style until our employer manages to sneak off the Biaviian ship by himself.
5. That we come up with a business model, and try to get a small business loan using fake names and social security numbers.
So, the organization having essentially zero ideas, I came up with my own solution, which is to beg. Yes, to appeal to people’s sense of charity is the easiest way to raise $100,000 Canadian, and that’s why I started the totally legitimate (this is not a scam [seriously]) charity (Canadian) Dollars for Decanus.
That’s right, using the link at the upper right hand corner of the main http://Bluezer0.net page, you can now donate to the (Canadian) Dollars for Decanus fund to help us get back our CEO.
This is how much money we have right now. Come on, help us out. We promise not to spend it on booze.
Why is there a coin with a beaver on it?
Time is a factor. According to owner, president, dean, and professor of L’École Des Beaux Lézards’ Department of Alien Studies, The Shadow, Decanus might not have much time. The Shadow issued this statement:
The Biaviians went to a lot of trouble to get Decanus into their clutches -- they hired lots of bigfoots as spies to surveil and track him, ascertain his habits and schedule, so they could take him unawares, while there was no one to stop them. This is a classic alien abduction strategy, and it essentially means that they’re serious. They won’t want to maintain him for long, unless he’s a really superior janitor, so whatever you’re going to do, you’d better do quickly.
The Shadow found himself unable to donate any actual cash, but he did let me have a glass of water before I left L’École Des Beaux Lézards, plus he gave me several deposit bottles which, together, added up to 25¢ Canadian (you know, like one of those goofy quarters with the moose or elk or whatever on it? Or like five of those nickels with the beaver). How much can you spare?
