The Third (and final) Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
Clintonville -- After many weeks of tense waiting, and working a menial job just to stay afloat at his luxurious Chateau, The Fat Kid finally received his Alienese decoder pin, which cost him many, many box tops. Plus a 41¢ stamp.
Controversy arose in March when The Fat Kid discovered that there were too many characters in The Shadow’s translation of the note, and conjectured that The Shadow’s translation was deficient. The Shadow responded defiantly that The Fat Kid was neither qualified nor capable of translating Alienese into English because he was without knowledge of Alienese and, more importantly, without a decoder pin. That Fat Fucker claimed this was simply a distraction.
The Alienese letter. Neither of those jerk-offs really knows what it says.
A decoder pin, as you may remember, was necessary for The Shadow to generate his translation of the Alienese letter, and The Fat Kid had to order one in order to generate a translation of his own. Having received it, that Fat Fuck went to work right away and has furnished this Third (and final) Fictional Reporter with a copy of that translation. It reads as follows:
We understand that your friend Decanus was recently abducted. If you would like our help, we could surely negotiate a peaceful solution to this dispute; or if you prefer not to negotiate, we could easily, and at no cost to you, give the Venutians [Thanks, English lady!] responsible a device like the one you stole from us.
Compare this with The Shadow’s original translation from March:
Dear Fat Bastards,
Stop eating for a second and listen. We abducted your friend Decanus, and don’t intend to give him back until we get our device. It cost us quite a bit of money. We also, therefore, demand a cash payment in the amount of $100,000 Canadian. And don’t try to trick us with those worthless (and still falling) American dollars. Like anything with a picture of a slave owner in a wig could be worth anything. Might as well take pesos. Anyway, until we receive the device, and the full cash payment, Decanus is our new janitor.
The repercussions of this new translation are complicated and boring, but the very short version is that since The Fat Kid and the rest of the BZ staff has been mistaken all along about which aliens abducted their leader, all the hateful email they sent to the Biaviians has probably made them slightly less inclined to help. Here is a sample email, sent by a BZ staffer who wished to remain anonymous, in an effort to get his employer back:
Dear Bitch-Ass Aliens,
Dude, why you gotta be aducking people? How am I sposeda get trashed on cheap domestic cab if there ainn’t some guy around to give it me for free? I harly even work. I ain’t even take out the trash, I just throhug the bag into the parking lot. It was raining an shit, an I’m not tryin to be out like that. But he give me wine anyway. An I need that shit. Yoo think I got $5.99? Rong. I need that $5.99 for cap’n crunch. You beter sen him back, dude, or I’ll kick your ass the nex time yo come down heer. That not cool, man.
This and many similar masterpieces of rhetoric prepared by BZ staffers as part of the email campaign have gone to waste and irreparably damaged BZ’s relationship with the Biaviians. The Fat Kid said, “I’ve been trying to get them on the phone all day, but it just goes straight to voicemail. And they have that annoying Usher song as their message. I hate Usher. He looks like an elf. Elf-looking motherfucker.” That Fat Fuck just kept going on like that, and something about Pat Burrell looking like Usher, so he indirectly looks like an elf. But in the end he came back around and recovered his point which was this: The Biaviians have been offended by us and have tacitly withdrawn their kind offer of assistance.
And there’s a bigger problem still. The Venutians, who are the ones who really have Decanus, have not been contacted.
And there’s a bigger plot hole, which is that the letter the Biaviians sent indicates that they know why Decanus was abducted, and that it was in fact to ransom the anti-gravity device. But how did they know that when we have had no letter from the Venutians indicating their demands? Did they intercept a letter from the Venutians that was meant for us? Or, to keep from falsely accusing them again, did the Lurker in the Hallway mentioned earlier intercept the letter from the Venutians? When will some fat guy make up answers to these and other questions?
Check back for updates!!!!