BlueZer0.net

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- As predicted in my last report, The Shadow has contacted me regarding the situation here in Upper Arlington. In an email dated September 29, that ape-like fucker gave me an extended report on the goings on in this area. That report is as follows:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- It took me quite a while to find The Shadow. He wasn’t usually at home under the bridge when I showed up, and several times he heard me coming and ran out the other side at sasquatch-speed, and was therefore uncatch-up-to-able. However, late last night there was a fortuitous thundershower here in Upper Arlington, so the other side was blocked by the rising waters.

A new series, exclusively at BlueZer0.net

Clintonville -- The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device “unintentionally” pilfered from a Bear, Delaware trailer in the summer of 2007, has long been a source of mystery for BZ staffers. Though it clearly had functions other than, you know, moving things, most of the monosyllabic cretins BZ could afford to hire had no better advice on how to investigate them than, “Dude, press that button, and see what it does.” Deeming the pressing of strange buttons on alien devices ill-advised, BZ staffers of a slightly higher caliber (i.e. volunteers who are in this for the truth, rather than $3 wine), decided it should be left it alone. Until this week.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Somewhere in Downtown Columbus (location of this secret enclave of reserve power withheld) – Last Sunday, the 14th of September (the day after the suicide of my personal hero, the super-postmodernist [who hated being called a postmodernist] David Foster Wallace [link to something good about the ace of all writers forthcoming]) was the apocalypse for the Columbus alien-resistance movement. The government called in its strongest reserve forces, and deployed them in the form of a giant, super-cloudy windstorm, knocking out power – maybe permanently – for most of central Ohio, most of Columbus, and the entire Upper Arlington area. Our power here went out at approximately 4:30 EST that day (9/14), and has yet to be restored.

Extraordinary novelist and Anthony Keidis look-alike, David Foster Wallace, seen here inspecting our masthead.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- As mentioned twice already, the Great Ohio Power Outage, caused by a half-ass attempt at showering us with the mind control drug formerly known as water, was a big deal to Columbusianites, some of whom had to do without power for eight days. Your fattest pal, yours truly, was lucky and only had to do without power for seven days.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- It appears that the conclusion I reached regarding the purpose of the super storm was premature. After the blurb I gave to The Fat Kid, I started to question whether the manufactured storm had really malfunctioned. I told him that everything the US government sets up or builds turns out not to work. But that only applies to programs meant to help the people. What they do for themselves tends to hum along perfectly. So I started skulking around some more and picked up a few pieces of intriguing evidence.