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When edifying people on the pragmatics of survival, convincing them how useful the information will be is easy only if one assumes that people tend to take rational steps to ensure their safety in extreme conditions. This being the case, every rational person should take reasonable steps to assume responsibility for him/herself by acknowledging that the apocalypse will happen, regardless of whether anyone is prepared.

The first step to preparing yourself for a disaster is accepting its inevitablitity. Letting the impermanent nature of the present age deeply engrain itself in your psyche is the first (and most instrumental) step in preparing for the apocalypse. You may facilitate this process in a number of ways. A few suggestions to mentally prepare yourself for the end of civilization include: daily recitation of the Tibetan Death Meditation, regular screenings of the entire body of Woody Allen’s work, or the wallpapering of your bedroom in the illustrations of William Blake. It is not recommended to try more than one at a time.

Once you have come to a state of faith in the impermanent nature of your present life, you may proceed to the more pragmatic steps listed below. It is essential that you do not neglect this first step, as the ones to come will be impossible to implement without a full and profound knowledge of the challenges that lie before you. Next, you will need to confront three uncomfortable realities that will await you in a post-apocalyptic condition. Described alphabetically, they are:

PERSONAL HYGIENE. There is no reason to let yourself go, even in the most desolate of conditions. How good you look when/if you are eventually discovered by another survivor will be essential to whether or not you can squeeze a movie deal out of your adventures.

SOCIAL GRACES. Unlike personal hygiene, social graces are unnecessary here. You may find that you cling to them, but you will soon discover them to be entirely free of any applicable value.

UNDERWATER. You may be forced to live underwater. If you are not familiar with the story of Noah’s Ark, think of it as a teaser of treats to come. It might come in handy to dress up as a species of origins that would be expected to be unknown to your average Bible- gnawing ludite. Or just bring coffee, the Jesuits LOVE Starbucks.

Now that you have been instructed in mental preparation for the apocalypse, the finer points of surviving and thriving in a post-apocalyptic wasteland can be explored numerically.

1. Create a timeline. Prepare to be able to give up hobbies that have previously been enjoyable. Physical and mental preparation for the apocalypse is a time-consuming process and will leave you will little time to improve your golf swing, master chess, or maintain any friendships. Napoleon once said that friendship is the last bastion of a reluctant mind, but you should also consider that keeping friends when (and if) you decide to build a giant ark in your backyard is a very time-consuming process.

2. Assemble an A-team. Depending on the severity of the apocalyptic event (be it a deluge of liquid anthrax, merely a firestorm, or even atmospheric implosion), you may not be able to count on the survival of your fellow man. However, you should still be prepared to orchestrate and manage other people if the opportunity presents itself. To prepare for this eventuality, enroll in a good seminar on leadership or hypnosis and take careful notes. They will definitely come in handy.

3. Brainstorm a variety of post-apocalyptic scenarios. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility here, so be creative. From this list, make a list of responses and which tools and skills are necessary and which are arbitrary. Throw the second list away.

4. Adopt a Spartan lifestyle. Although you may feel like a life without dark chocolate or double-ply toilet paper is an impossible one, recognize that these thoughts are merely a trick of the mind. Mankind has existed for thousands of years without any of the so-called “necessities” of modern life. Some things, like the dissolution of the IRS, will bring you pleasure, but you will discover that cutting back on many things will be extremely taxing. The trick is to give up these things gradually, so you don’t get overwhelmed and give up.

5. Learn cartography. Practice drawing your local geographic area from memory, including major landforms and accurate distances to those landforms. You’ll find that staying oriented will help you retain your sanity over time.

6. Become radioactive. In most apocalyptic scenarios, knowledge of natural science will be invaluable. However in the case of a nuclear holocaust, you must take nothing for granted. While this scenario may not be the most fun, its very nature will change the rules of survival so mightily that it is important to go ahead and start exposing yourself to low dosages of radioactive material so that your cells will already have begun the mutation process when the first radioactive waves hit. Bikini Island, Los Alamos (New Mexico), and Oak Ridge (Tennessee) are three excellent places to relocate in preparation for nuclear fallout. If the apocalypse is of a less radioactive nature, your preparations won’t have been for naught: being your own night light can make even the most severe of conditions seem more bearable.

These are only a few recommendations for keeping your wits about you in the most extreme of hypothetical situations: the apocalypse. Because these suggestions are only a starting point for true preparation, you will find it imperative to formulate your own supplemental survival guide.