The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
Upper Arlington – After several consecutive seasons in which BZ has made predictions that didn’t come true, or left loose ends, or ended with cliffhangers that were never resolved, I finally got angry enough to track down The Shadow in his under-bridge apartment which he now shares, by the way, with several hobos and about ten thousand body lice, and make him explain. The following interview was transcribed verbatim.
The Shadowtastic apartment, which is now much less roomy. And has more hobos than ever.
TFR: So, can you tell us what happened with the temperatures? Your last prediction was that the aliens we’d pissed off were using the weather to get back at us, and that we’d all freeze to death soon.
TS: Well, that’s a complicated question you’re asking me, and I’m itching pretty badly. I’ll do my best to answer you, though. The aliens’ plot was really to kill us off by making it so cold that we’d die if we went outside, and keeping it that way for so long that even if we managed to stay warm enough to live, we’d starve to death because we couldn’t produce any food. They had this whole thing set in motion, but then they sort of realized that they needed the Earth. They had other plans for it, you see.
TFR: What kind of plans?
TS: Well, as you know, for aliens, the Earth is a sort of gas station. See, the Earth’s ley lines are electromagnetically charged in such a way that traveling along them creates large amounts of energy that can be gathered at certain nodes. Stonehenge, for instance, is such a node, and the Georgia Guide Stones are another. So, the thing is, when the temperatures drop like they did this winter, and there are clouds in the area, that causes snowfall rather than rain, which kept them from doing this. Essentially, by covering the Earth with snow, they had shut down the pumps.
TFR: You mean snow, water, can mess up this energy transfer?
TS: See, you’re forgetting that snow or water, as you naively call it, is a myth that was invented in 1952. What snow actually consists of is water, which is, as scientists will all tell you, a compound of hydrogen, oxygen, and the mind-control drug Zoloft. And the thing about this is that Zoloft is actually a highly reflective metal. So, as the alien ships travel across the Earth’s ley lines, they are not able to shoot down those beams that, you know, gather up energy and whatnot. Or, I mean, they can shoot them down, but they’ll just be reflected, and the transfer will not occur.
TFR: So, they were essentially starving themselves of energy by doing this?
TS: Well, it isn’t as dramatic as that. They can go to anyplace that has ley lines, or any kind of lines, really, and do the same thing, but this is a convenient spot for them. It’s a sort of macrocosm of the Delaware Turnpike Mobil [presently the Delaware Turnpike Sunoco – Ed] where we all got our start with the TZR [word up, son – Ed]. See, these aliens are constantly moving back and forth, going right by here, on their ways to places that matter, so it’s just easier for them to gas up here than, you know, the next planet over, just like it’s easier for travelers on the Delaware Turnpike [I-95 – Ed.] to get gas at the filthy, disgusting Turnpike Mobil than at the clean Mobil station that’s on 896. You know what I’m saying? Like, even though the 896 exit is right there, and the place is cleaner, and the gas is cheaper, it’s still a hassle, man. Like, you have to get off the exit, then turn across traffic, almost a u-turn, and then it’s difficult because you have to get back on 896, then get back on the exit for I-95, and then go where you were going, whereas with the Delaware Turnpike Mobil you just sort of stop off on the side, and then you’re ready to go again right away. For the convenience, you’ll put up with the filth and the expense.
TFR: What about Mars and Venus? They’re right there – in space terms, literally right next to Earth.
Spotted hybrid chicks apparently can’t shut the fuck up.
TS: Yeah, but there are still issues. You know, like on Venus, you always run into those spotted chicks who try to pick you up. And, you know, that sounds OK but for the fact that they’re into kinky stuff – check my Magnum Opus for details on that – that 9 out of ten dudes won’t be into. And even if you’re cool with them, and they know you aren’t into that, you still have to talk with them – either that or snub them, which’ll create problems in the future. And you know, when you talk with them they want to tell you a bunch of dumb shit about their day, and what they ate for breakfast, and blah blah blah. You just don’t wanna be there.
TFR: What about Mars?
TS: Well, Mars is boring. I mean, look at the place. Have you seen the rover pictures? I mean, imagine you went to Arizona with red-tinted sunglasses on, it’s like that. And who the fuck wants to deal with that?
TFR: I see.
TS: And anyway, the Earth’s lines are cool looking. Like, have you ever seen the Nazca Lines? They’re these crazy ley lines in Peru, that are all weird looking. Like, there’s this monkey-looking one, and a spider-looking one. Or, they call it that because it has eight legs rather than six, but it actually looks more like an ant. But still, our ley lines are cool.
The “monkey-looking” Nazca line that dumb-asses like The Shadow want to say has something to do with energy or whatever.
TFR: So, in my last article, I mentioned some rumors about your recent meeting with Pimples Malone in The Back Parking Lot. Can you address those rumors?
TS: What were they?
TFR: Specifically, I don’t recall. But there was one that had to do with Decanus coming back to Earth, and one that had to do with the new/old monument that’s being erected, or reconstructed right here in Upper Arlington, just across the way.
TS: No, I cannot disclose anything about those issues right now. However, as we get deeper into the summer conspiracy season, I will address them.
The entrance to The Back Parking Lot, where there’s a whole lotta drinking, and only slightly less passing out, and where Gary Doe used to hang out, and where The Shadow and PIMPles Malone have their staff meetings.
TFR: Well, we’re going to hold you to that – you don’t have much work right now anyway, so we expect updates goddamn it, and we expect them to have answers to the relevant questions.
At this point, I got so itchy that I had to leave and, you know, get de-loused.