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The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As some of you may have gathered, there is a strange new archaeological site here in Northwest Columbus, immediately east of the Mexican Chateau. A little over a year ago, state archaeologists acquired a business license and building permits, and began to raze the building that used to stand next to the Mexican Chateau, and to erect a giant monument. Construction seems to be nearing completion.

The Mexican Chateau, marked A. Immediately to the right, on the site of what was formerly an office building, an ancient monument is being restored.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this largely quiet section of the city, no one expects much to happen. However, since July of 2008, strange things have been seen by those who actually look, especially in the area of the Mexican chateau, and the stone circle that abut the Olentangy river in an ominous formation.

This four-way intersection of road, river, stone circle, and cemetery, with the addition of the new/old Upper Arlington monument, promises a high concentration of weird and unexplainable events this season.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – Days after talking to super-secret hobo source Joe McGucket about the concurrence of our saucer sightings, and getting all trashed huffing turpentine, and falling down the bank and getting all muddy and shit, and losing my keys in the river, and spending like four hours looking for them but still not finding them, I made some shocking discoveries in the area of the Third Avenue bridge.

The saucer-shaped craft was seen hovering above this underwater stone circle in the Third Avenue area.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – This area is mostly known for simple things; its quaint Victorian architecture, its trendy shops and upper-crust restaurants, all the super-hot college pussy it houses for three-quarters of the year. Little did the residents of this expensive, trendy neighborhood realize that they were living on the site of what may be the most important archaeological find of the century.

The Shadow has found a proliferation of immense stone blocks like this one, some submerged and some partially submerged, in the Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading under my Shadowy bridge, a lot of fact checking, and correlating what I’ve read with what I’m seeing in the Olentangy, and it seems that things here are much larger in scope than I had previously imagined.

These huge blocks, the remnants of the 10,000 year old civilization of Pumapunku, are very similar in size and shape to the blocks The Shadow has located in the Olentangy.

Upper Arlington -- A spotted hybrid chick from Venus was seen waving a bag full of bean burritos at men outside a local Walmart late Monday night. Pumping the bag in the air outside her driver side window as she sat in her vehicle, she was heard to say, "Hey! Hey, you want these? You know you do!" and, "Come on, come here, it's Taco Bell!"

A BlueZer0 staff article. . .

Clintonville – Those of you who are somewhat less drunk than I am may have noticed that Pimples Malone’s article regarding the Palm Pre street vendor, ostensibly from Venus, has been removed from the site. Though we don’t get much in the mail, we here at the BlueZer0 front office recently received what turned out to be a cease-and-desist order from lawyers representing spotted chicks from Venus, forcing us to remove the article altogether.

This cease-and-desist letter, written in Alienese, is the first of what will surely be many that BZ will receive between now and 2012, when we all die and go to hell. (And, by the way, if you can [or have figured out how to] read the original, you’re a nerd, and I’m dead certain that you have no girlfriend. Or, if you’re a girl and can read this, you are the most highly sought-after nerd girl ever. Unless you’re fat. No fat chicks.)

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in my sub-bridge library, I have been straining my eyes by candlelight at night, and dazzling them in sunlight by day, reading and reading, trying to explain the ancient mysteries of central Ohio. I have collected as much evidence as possible above water, and have even done some swimming and diving, braving the dangerous Olentangy currents, to scrounge up evidence from the sediment around the blocks, and I believe I have worked out a solution to this most puzzling of Ohio’s many paranormal/supernatural/extraterrestrial/archaeological mysteries. Are you ready to hear the truth, dear reader?

Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, part of the Olentangea Complex, was once part of a thriving metropolis. It now lies mostly underwater.