A BlueZer0 staff article. . .
Clintonville – Those of you who are somewhat less drunk than I am may have noticed that Pimples Malone’s article regarding the Palm Pre street vendor, ostensibly from Venus, has been removed from the site. Though we don’t get much in the mail, we here at the BlueZer0 front office recently received what turned out to be a cease-and-desist order from lawyers representing spotted chicks from Venus, forcing us to remove the article altogether.
This cease-and-desist letter, written in Alienese, is the first of what will surely be many that BZ will receive between now and 2012, when we all die and go to hell. (And, by the way, if you can [or have figured out how to] read the original, you’re a nerd, and I’m dead certain that you have no girlfriend. Or, if you’re a girl and can read this, you are the most highly sought-after nerd girl ever. Unless you’re fat. No fat chicks.)
The letter, translated by The Shadow, who much resented his ongoing research being interrupted, reads:
Dear Sirs,
We respectfully request that you remove the article featuring a spotted woman that is falsely portrayed as being Venutian. Not only do we find such mockery to be racist, but Blue Spots, of any sort whatever, and in any context whatever, are our registered trademark, and any further infringement will result in legal action.
Thank you very much for your time.
The Spotted Chicks’ Lawyer
Joyce Carol Oates
In order to avoid legal action, we have chosen to comply sulkily.
Comments (4)
Dear Abby:
I am a hot nerd chick that speaks all twelve dialects of Klingon. I also happen to be from Venus. I was informed that by displaying items which are regarded with great esteem by male humans (only those who speak fluent C++ of course) I might be able to "score."
The blue dots on my skin are somewhat of a deterrent. Unfortunately you silly humans have chosen to inhabit a planet full of the most useless gas: oxygen. I mean, nitrogen's not half bad. Long story short, I think I'm allergic to oxygen , but I still desperately need to get laid. For research purposes only, you see.
Send help before I make it with a Prius.
Love,
Venetian in a Bind, Salem Oregon
P.S. Although statistically speaking you are too old to support life, I hear you yourself are human. Abby, how do YOU attract males of your species? Should I be speaking binary or something? This is SO complicated!
Posted by Patty Hearst | June 25, 2009 11:44 PM
Posted on June 25, 2009 23:44
Dear Abby? Obviously she is confused and is refering to Ask A Fat Guy.
Posted by Pimples Malone | June 26, 2009 9:02 AM
Posted on June 26, 2009 09:02
Great Scot! You're right...must of had the URL upside down again. I HATE it when that happens!
Posted by Patty Hearst | June 29, 2009 4:45 PM
Posted on June 29, 2009 16:45
Damn the lawyers! Full article republished!
Posted by Pimples Malone | July 13, 2009 12:41 PM
Posted on July 13, 2009 12:41