The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Upper Arlington – As some of you may have gathered, there is a strange new archaeological site here in Northwest Columbus, immediately east of the Mexican Chateau. A little over a year ago, state archaeologists acquired a business license and building permits, and began to raze the building that used to stand next to the Mexican Chateau, and to erect a giant monument. Construction seems to be nearing completion.
The Mexican Chateau, marked A. Immediately to the right, on the site of what was formerly an office building, an ancient monument is being restored.
The archaeologists, professors from Biaveh State University, did not find any actual remains of the structure, but rather were able to infer from the markings they found in the ground what the structure should look like. As The Shadow explained to me an in email,
When someone builds something, there’s always evidence left behind, even centuries after the structure is gone, and this is particularly true for tall stone structures that need added stability. In order for a tall stone structure to support itself, its foundation has to be extremely strong, and the strength that a foundation confers is proportionate to its depth. So, if you build a big-ass stone structure, and then a thousand years go by and it’s destroyed, and all the materials are carted away and used for other things, often one of the few things left over is a deep hole in the ground. And archaeologists can tell when there was a deep hole in the ground. See, when someone digs up the ground, and the hole gets filled back in by stratification, the soil in the hole looks different than the normal, natural soil of that area. So, you can tell exactly how deep a foundation was, because once you dig down to the point where the soil in that hole looks like the surrounding soil, you know that’s the very bottom of the foundation. What’s more is that there are reliable mathematical formulae that apply to this. The most relevant formula in this case is that for a tall stone structure like this to stand, the depth of its foundation must be at least 1/15th of the height of the structure. The Washington Monument, for instance, is roughly 555 feet tall, and its foundation is just over 36 feet deep (a set of numbers well known to conspiracy theorists) which is about 1/15th of 555. So, when you find evidence of a structure, and the depth of its foundation was 36 feet, you can infer that the structure must have been in the neighborhood of 555 feet tall. Obviously, you can tell the structure’s shape by looking at the shape of the soil disturbance, and if there was any organic material used, you can tell that, too, because wood that has long since rotted away leaves a dark stain in the soil. So, it isn’t actually that difficult to rebuild structures of a certain type even when there is nothing left but the soil on which they were built.
The Washington Monument: A big ol’ stone dick that’s modeled after our first president’s dick. (He had difficulty walking.)
The Biaveh State archaeologists, then, must have inferred what the ancient monument looked like from features of the soil at this site. I say “must have” because they refused to tell us anything – when questioned, the archaeologists at the site denied that they are resurrecting any ancient structure. They tried to convince me that they’re construction workers, and that they don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. The state of Ohio clearly has something to hide.
The reconstructed stone monument near the Mexican Chateau. Its spooky significance has not yet been determined, but I’m sure it’ll be very silly.
That something, though still largely clandestine, is the topic of many debates west of the Olentangy. Locals at Woody’s Bar have seen strange things in the area. Saucer-shaped craft have been seen hovering over the monument in broad daylight, and people have had strange physiological responses to the monument. Some of them feel the urge to throw up, or pass out. Some feel dizzy, or a kind of euphoria often associated with strong electromagnetic fields.
One bar patron, Jimmy Yourmomslurpsnuts, related a particularly harrowing story. He said that he and his friend had just capped off a drinking contest, the loser of which had to drive home, and as they staggered out to the parking lot they saw a small red-orange light hovering over the monument. They thought at first that it must have been a plane, but later realized that it was moving towards them. Before Jimmy knew what was happening, the red-orange object was right next to the car, and his friend was out cold at the wheel.
This drunk was affected by a Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device that seemed to emerge from the structure. The hand truck, I mean, Biaviian anti-gravity device, was then used to bring four cases of Guinness into Woody’s to replace the four that this guy drank.
Jimmy jumped out of the car, and managed to take a picture before he himself passed out. Both drunks woke up the next morning without any obvious injuries, but they hardly escaped unscathed – both had tremendous headaches, and couldn’t remember much about the night before. It is no coincidence that both of these are symptoms of alien abduction.
The Shadow himself is investigating the monument, and should have a more thorough and illuminating report soon.
Check back for updates!!!!