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The first thing that occurred to me as I photographed the giant blocks in the Olentangy was that I had seen them before, but I couldn’t recall where. Then one night, while I lay awake tossing and turning and drinking and being eaten by mosquitoes and lice, I lit a candle and started paging through some old books that I salvaged when I left L’École Des Beaux Lézards. There among the pages, I saw it: Pumapunku. Pumapunku is the site of an ancient stone-building civilization in present-day Bolivia, and the stones of some of their temples are very similar to the blocks I have been finding recently in our river.

The Bolivian blocks, said to weigh 130 tons, are about the same weight as my estimates of the blocks here in Ohio, though our blocks are more oblong than the Pumapunku blocks, and have closed rather than open ends. This is significant not only for silly conspiratorial reasons, but for the very serious reason that ancient peoples didn’t have the technology necessary to move, or even to carve such huge stones, much less to stack them on top of one another.

This block looks roughly the same as the blocks at Pumapunku, and is of roughly the same giant size.

You might be asking, “Shadow, you Ultimate Fighting Champion and Super Pimp you, what does this have to do with your and Joe McGucket’s saucer sightings?” This is a very astute question, likely to be asked only by the top one percent of you. Which is to say, one of you. Er, .5 of you. Or less. But still, it’s a good question. If you recall, this set of articles started with saucer sightings over the new/old Upper Arlington monument, and somehow got on the track of archaeology, which is why you’re essentially asking, “What gives?” And what gives is this: it is literally impossible to build these ancient megalithic structures with stone-age technology, which means they must have been built by something other than human beings.

This seminal “book,” Chariots of the Gods? contains the very elaborate assertion that what ancient people called gods were actually aliens, and that those aliens gave them the technology to build giant stone structures like Pumapunku, the great pyramids of Egypt, and probably the structures The Shadow has located under the surface of the Olentangy River.

That’s right – I am here referencing the Ancient Astronauts theory, which was first fleshed out by scholar and thick-accented foreign guy, Erich von Däniken. In order to explain why, I will need a little help from the A/V club. Watch this video, and be sure to take notes, because there’ll be a quiz at the end.

This video explains something or other about ancient aliens.

According to the guy with the funny hair, the best explanation for the impossibly large, and impossibly finely-cut blocks at the Bolivian site of Pumapunku is the Ancient Astronauts theory. Since our site here in the Olentangy River Valley resembles Pumapunku so closely – both in terms of the fineness of the stonework, and the sheer magnitude of the blocks – I cannot but reach the conclusion that the structures that lie below the mighty Olentangy were not 100% manmade, but that instead they were built with the assistance of aliens. “What aliens, big pimpin’ Shizadow?” you might be asking, “And why the dick would they help us of all people?” I don’t know why anyone would help us. But I have an idea which aliens did, and I think they might have been the same aliens that recently drove a big shiny disc from Upper Arlington down to Third Avenue.

What are they doing here? Why are they visiting these ancient ruins? What did they get in return for their monument-building assistance? In the face of these finely-cut blocks, what do we make of The Shadow’s earlier discovery of the stone circle? Who were these ancient people? Where are they now? And why is their once-advanced culture now beneath the mighty Olentangy?

These and other questions shall be answered in the next updates. You know, as soon as I figure out the answers. Check back soon!!!!!!