Most of the objects I recovered were found in the deep layers of sediment around the mysterious sunken island of Enano. The first object I recovered was this strange yellow ball. At first I thought it was some kind of radioactive material, but then I saw that it had the same fuzz that tennis balls have, and that it was made out of rubber. Then I knew that it must be used for some kind of court-based game. Next I found a deposit of Evian bottles right next to an ancient volley ball.

This ancient volley ball, found close by a deposit of water bottles, is more evidence for The Shadow’s theory that the Olentangeans were an achondroplastic homosexual athlete community.

The next relevant find was more difficult to identify. At first I thought it was another megalithic structure, as it was a similar shade of gray. However, after analyzing photographs of it, I realized it was really a stack of ancient free weights.

These weights, found in the vicinity of the island of Enano, at long distance looked like a megalithic structure.

A closer look, however, reveals that it was simply a problem of visual perspective, and that they are in fact far too small for that.

The next find I made – this one on the north side of the island – was stunning. From deep under centuries of sediment emerged a tiny tennis shoe, with a blue flower embroidered onto it. The shoe was just a couple of inches long, and of strange proportions – no adult could possibly fit into them. Then it struck me that they must have been dwarves! In areas like the Olentangy River Valley, where there are large natural deposits of toxic heavy metals like mercury, plutonium, and lead, the autosomal dominant mutation that frequently causes achondroplasia is exceedingly common. It seems altogether likely, given the huge concentrations of these metals that exist all over central Ohio, that the entire native population of the area was achondroplastic. That is, they were dwarves.

The blue flower confused me at first, but then I realized the Olentangeans must have been largely gay, like the Ancient Greeks. That would explain why they were so into bodybuilding, and effeminate sports like volleyball and tennis, as well as embroidered shoes. Crystal, my new girlfriend, suggested to me that they might have been women’s things, and that women might have been in charge of this society. I considered this for several seconds, but then remembered that as recently as the 1950s they didn’t let women do anything other than cook and give birth, so the likelihood of women running things in the ancient world was very small.

This gay dwarf shoe, found on the northern tip of Enano, is the most shocking find yet.

All these objects together confused me. They seemed to indicate that not only was Olentangea a tiny society, and not only were they gay, but they also lounged around along the riverbank all day, playing effeminate sports and drinking Evian. If the Olentangean society was so frivolous, why would the aliens have chosen to contact them? Why would they have helped them build huge stone bathhouses, and raves, and probably play techno? Then it struck me. They’re building landing strips for gay Martians.

The gay Martian theory, first put forward in 1988 by writer and researcher Rodney Amadeus Anonymous, states, in brief, that earth’s homosexuals are fundamentally altering the soil around large US cities with larger-than-average homosexual populations, in order to build landing strips for gay Martians. This theory makes obvious sense in the context of Olentangea, since we know that aliens – apparently gay ones – are hovering over the area of the river that contains the ominous and still unexplained stone circle!!!!!!!!!! They are looking for their landing site!!!!

So, BZ fans, what does this mean? Are we ever going to get an explanation for the stone circle? What does this new information tell us about the new/old Upper Arlington monument? Are they resurrecting it in order to somehow facilitate a new wave of gay Martians? Will the gay Martians give us technology that’s super advanced? Only time will tell. Until then, I mean to skulk around that monument, and see what it might be used for.

Check back for updates!!!!!!!