BlueZer0.net

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – After several contiguous days and nights of prison-grade profligacy with Columbus’s own Fourth Avenue Hobo Crew, I was fortunate enough to find myself face up in a shallow part of the Olentangy. However, after I shook off the haze of so much turpentine and 2009 Côtes du Brôoklyn Sterno brand methanol, I realized the reason for my extraordinarily early 11AM waking, was that there was a strange saucer hovering near the third avenue bridge.

This circa 2003 (yeah, we’re that old) pic of The Shadow trying to flag down Tan at the Realm of the Tooth roughly recreates the scene at Third Avenue early this morning. Except this morning, he was wet, and drunk. And he has brain damage from huffing solvents, so you probably don’t want to listen to him anyway.

After the colossal, somewhat confusing failure of our latest interactive feature, Spot the Gray, we weren’t sure whether to continue with it or not. However, after snapping a pic or two of another unsavory character, we feel that in the interest of the general public, we should continue this educational and potentially awesome feature. Our next potential gray was seen wandering through Upper Arlington late this afternoon in pajama pants, with super-long hair and prominent bald spot, drinking Mountain Dew and walking his Rottweiler. This seems to match the description of gray alien infiltrators who are parasitically inhabiting human bodies, according to The Shadow's gray alien source.

Clintonville – Our readership is up, which is a good thing and so is the quantity of fan (e)mail being delivered here to the BZ home office. Which is also good, maybe...

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – It seems like nothing happened this past week. I mean, we got an insane, open-ended, ridiculously-worded email from a very Jesusy man whose point (other than that he’s going to somehow bring us down because we aren’t Jesusy) was unclear. And there was the BZ audience’s utter failure to participate in the interactive feature, Spot the Gray, which is apparently lame even though we think it’s awesome and will probably continue with it just for our own amusement. But otherwise, there was nothing. Until last night.

The Shadow shot this octagonal flying saucer down last night, and it crashed into the muddy Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After last week’s rainstorm, I managed to sneak out of the posh and pleasant Fat Cave unnoticed by the alien authorities, who must have assumed that their vicious rain attack had subdued me. I felt like I had to return to the crash site ASAP, but it was about a half hour walk, so I borrowed the Fat Cycle. Despite its structural damage, I made my way there, but to no avail – the rain had turned the river an opaque brown that there was no hope of seeing through. Furthermore, the level of the river had risen, and the already turgid Olentangy was running even faster. There was essentially nothing I could do but wait and watch.

The Fat Cycle: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah FAT MAN!!!!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Things have been extremely quiet in Clintonville these days, which is surprising given that not long ago, BZ founder and CEO Decanus returned from a (roughly) year-long stay on Biaveh, where he worked as janitor, and space bus ticket designer. We here at the BZ offices were expecting Decanus to announce his return to BZ, or at least to hear something about his long-awaited first record, but there has been no word.

This example of Decanus’s work as space bus ticket designer is on loan from some dumb ass who paid $30 for it.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – This afternoon northern C-town had some extra traffic as former BZ owner and CEO, Decanus Picto, held a press conference in the much-storied Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion.

Decanus’s eye-ruining campaign poster, unveiled at the press event this afternoon.

BZ Staff. . .

Are you having trouble understanding the terminology used at BlueZer0.net? Do you find yourself "put off" by our use of new and big words and cleverly discriptive phrasing? Well, we want to help by enhancing your understanding and adding to your enjoyable reading experience by making our glossary available. It's to be updated and expanded over time by both staff and readers, so don't hesitate to send in your favorite, new or confusing BZ term for its addition into the Lexicon Of Terms.

It's a glossary now, but someday it will be a really cool looking concordance!

After two false starts with the BZ Staff’s favorite feature, Spot the Gray, we’ve decided that we just don’t care whether people like it or not, because it makes us snicker. So, without further ado, we bring you Spot the Gray 3. Our subject this week is a familiar face from the dark Delaware days, our pal and non compos mentis conspiracy insider, Jared. We chose Jared because the innuendo in part deux of the Interview with the Alien was pretty heavy handed, giving the impression that Jared is in fact one of these parasitic grays, or at least is the host for the particular gray that lives in Jared’s tool shed. So, we decided that it was important to submit photos of the man himself to scrutiny, and determine once and for all whether the he was man, or gray. Keeping in mind the guidelines given to The Shadow, we submit to you, the BZ audience (and staff), the following several pictures. Gray, or not gray?

Internet moles have recently provided us with this close-up of the J man. Can you see the gray in there?