The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Things have been extremely quiet in Clintonville these days, which is surprising given that not long ago, BZ founder and CEO Decanus returned from a (roughly) year-long stay on Biaveh, where he worked as janitor, and space bus ticket designer. We here at the BZ offices were expecting Decanus to announce his return to BZ, or at least to hear something about his long-awaited first record, but there has been no word.
This example of Decanus’s work as space bus ticket designer is on loan from some dumb ass who paid $30 for it.
However, due to the large number of parabolic microphones hidden in and around the Chateaux, extreme quiet isn’t really a problem. More than a week ago, as part of regular Chateaux security surveillance, a BZ staffer charged with monitoring such a system, sent me the following email:
Fat Ass,
Unknown sources, milling about the back parking lot, whose discussion was captured by remote-operated parabolic mic, indicate the following:
1. That Decanus has yet to find a suitable record deal for music that he apparently already recorded, probably on Biaveh. He continues shopping the record, but his only offer has come from Interscope Records. As Decanus wisely declines to share a label with artists like Scooter Smiff, Clique Girlz, and Gavin Rossdale, he continues his search.
2. That Decanus seemingly does not have any plans to return to the BZ fold in the near future.
3. That Newcastle Brown Ale is the most amazing liquid ever concocted by man – soundly beating runners up, Interferon, and Astroglide.
4. Decanus may be launching his political career in the very near future, if he can get off work Wednesday and Thursday.
That is all.
The receipt of this email was not surprising (because everyone with an IQ point or two knows it’s more important to have Newcastle Brown Ale than Interferon), nor was it particularly noted. Many unfounded rumors have had their origins in the back parking lot (notable rumors conceived in that lot include: that smoking seeds makes you impotent, that drinking Mountain Dew makes you impotent, that eating the green M&Ms makes you impotent, that Styrofoam is made out of cats, that smoking Styrofoam makes you impotent, and that Cap’n Crunch cuts the roof of your mouth), so we paid little heed. However, it is Wednesday, and sources indicate that Decanus has not gone to work. Therefore, it is our considered opinion that Decanus will be making an announcement sometime soon.
Check back for updates!!!!
Comments (2)
That Newcastle Brown Ale is the most amazing liquid ever concocted by man is not news. It is up there with Buckfast and Special Brew and has been for many generations.
Posted by Catnip | August 23, 2009 8:28 AM
Posted on August 23, 2009 08:28
Ahem. And I quote, "The receipt of this email was not surprising (because everyone with an IQ point or two knows it’s more important to have Newcastle Brown Ale than Interferon), nor was it particularly noted." Yeah. . . end quote.
Posted by Some Jerk | August 24, 2009 12:43 PM
Posted on August 24, 2009 12:43