BlueZer0.net

For the last week or so, I’ve been stationed under the Third Avenue Bridge, waiting for our saucer to return, but with no luck and nothing going on. Last night was no different. The cops had rounded up all my hobo buddies, and sent them to a shelter where they’ll be held for a couple days before they work their way back to the river, so it was just me and the mosquitoes. I sharpened my hobo knife, went for a swim, set up some muskrat traps, and settled in for what I thought would be a long and pointless night. Then, around three in the morning (I can’t afford one of those la-dee-da glow in the dark watches, so I can only estimate the time) I saw that the saucer had returned.

Last time I saw the saucer, my strategy of running toward it and yelling did not prove fruitful, so this time around I had a more sophisticated strategy – to sit there and stare at it – which allowed me to make the following observations: The craft was metallic, highly reflective, and roughly silver in color. It made no sound, but the underside gave off a blue-ish glow, known as a corona discharge, which indicates the presence of high voltage. The craft was roughly disc-shaped, but up close (I was only fifty yards or so away from it) I could tell that it was actually octagonal rather than strictly round. And, perhaps most significantly, it was hovering directly above the stone circle. The craft hovered for quite a long time – so long that I started to get a little bored – so I decided to slightly tweak my new strategy by creeping up closer to the craft, and throwing a rock at it. You know, for science.

The rock I selected was about the size of a baseball, and appeared in the dim light of the craft’s corona to be limestone. I chucked it such that it’s course described a high arc, which would allow me to hit the top of the craft even though I was below it. And I kind of missed. I then selected another rock of the same description, and missed it again. But then I chased down that same rock and tried one more time, and I scored a direct hit. As the rock bounced off it, the craft emitted a loud clang, and then sort of faltered in its hovering, and started to wobble like one of those hoax saucers suspended from a string. After trying for several seconds to recover its stability, the corona blinked off, then on, then off again, and the now-blackened craft took a header into the drink. It appears, then, that limestone is like kryptonite to saucers. You heard it here first, gentle reader. We have an effective weapon against saucer-shaped craft. And as Americans, aren’t effective weapons really the only things we want?

The craft, pictured here with a 21-foot Giant Olentangean River Carp, the largest freshwater fish species on the planet.

I waited for the rest of the night, hoping to see the craft re-emerge, or a tow truck show up or something, but there was no sign of movement or light whatsoever. In the morning, I climbed up to the top of the Third Avenue Bridge. What I saw there was stunning. It hadn’t rained in several days, so the water was clear, and I could see right down to the bottom, where the disabled craft lay in plain sight. The river had raged all night, so it was covered in a fine layer of silt, but there was no mistaking the size and shape of the craft. I instantly recognized that the most important thing was to recover the craft, and that I couldn’t just stand there looking at it all day. However, I was apparently being monitored, for as soon as I turned around to climb back down to the shore line, the crisp sunlight started to fade. Dark clouds rolled in, and I knew I had to return to the Shadowtastic sub-bridge apartment, or be under their control.

After spotting the landing site of the craft, The Shadow was attacked by this rainstorm, filmed from the shelter of The Fat Kid’s apartment, aka The Fat Cave.

By the time I reached Upper Arlington, however, it was too late – I was being rained upon, and had to take shelter in that fat fucker’s apartment (which, by the way, is actually quite nice), where I was able to get enough alcohol in me to ward off the effects of the insidious mind-control drug, water. The rain has continued for several hours unabated. However, as soon as it clears, I will be back on the scene. Hopefully, I will be the first civilian ever to recover a saucer.

Check back for updates!!!!!!!