The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – This afternoon northern C-town had some extra traffic as former BZ owner and CEO, Decanus Picto, held a press conference in the much-storied Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion.
Decanus’s eye-ruining campaign poster, unveiled at the press event this afternoon.
The press conference was attended by such media luminaries as BlueZer0.net, The Weekly World News, and Fox News – so there were three of us – and lasted a mere five minutes, which is in keeping with his straightforward style of speaking.
The entrance to the Back Parking Lot, pictured here several months ago. At night. Because The Fat Kid forgot his camera when he went to the Decanus thing, and this is the only stock photo we can find.
The following is an exact transcript of Decanus’s announcement speech:
My fellow Earthicans,
As you may have noticed, things are getting out of control. The country is bankrupt, not least of all because of an insane, pointless war that was started under false pretences. That crazy dude from North Korea is now officially a Nuclear Pimp, and so is that other crazy dude from Iran. No one has any clue where Osama Bin Laden is. The population is increasing while the water and food supplies are dwindling. Our average intelligence is declining, while the challenges we face are becoming ever greater. These are terrible times to be alive. They are the End Times. Trying to live a normal life now is a sucker’s bet.
And what are we, the every-day people, to do about this? Military technology and organization have advanced to the stage that we can no longer simply seize power as we might once have done, but we still cannot sit idly by. We must use a new kind of approach. Our approach must simultaneously respect the military might of the system, and empower us to fell it. Our approach must simultaneously subvert the system and work within it. This is why I, Decanus Picto, have decided to run for president. We haven’t the weapons, or discipline, or sobriety necessary to simply take control of the government. But we do have the rhetorical savvy necessary to snake control of it away from those who are actually qualified to run it. We do have the boldness, the criminal know-how, the tenacity, and the fanatical following necessary to turn it on its head, and utterly destroy it for our own ephemeral gain, no matter what the cost. And why not? The world’s going to end in 2012.
Why run for president in that year if that’s the year of the end of the world? That’s a stupid question. It’s not like the world’s going to end at 12:01AM on January 1, 2012. The world won’t end until December 21, 2012. So, we’ll have a good couple of months in there where we can totally fuck around and do whatever the fuck we want, with the resources of the world’s only remaining, though declining, super power at our behest. Wanna send some Misfits CDs into space? Why the fuck not? Grays like The (original) Misfits. Everybody likes The (original) Misfits, or else they’re stupid. Wanna use government money to hire 900 disgusting, lying hookers to form the world’s largest all-girl daisy chain? Let’s do it, and don’t forget the camera.
But, you might be thinking, why do we need control of the government just to fuck around? What good is a 900-girl daisy chain, when you only really need three to five girls? And why do you wanna send Misfits CDs to space when we need them here? We can fuck around on our own, so why waste all that effort?
Well, this is a stupid series of questions. Is that all we’d do – create all-girl daisy chains and listen to The (original) Misfits? No. That’s just the icing. Those are just the perks. Our project is really one that’s much larger and more important than anything hitherto conceived by man. We are going to preserve a nucleus of human specimens, and make sure it survives the calamity of sun spots and solar flares and rising seas and earthquakes and nuclear missiles that awaits the rest of humanity. How do we do that? I already know. That’s right, fellow Earthicans, I have a plan.
As everyone with an IQ point knows, all the coming wars and Earth changes are going to go on at the surface of the Earth. The obvious thing to do, then, in the absence of technology that would allow us to leave it, is to go beneath it. And as most of the work has already been done for us, going beneath the Earth will be quite easy. Neither radioactivity nor solar radiation could penetrate a mine thousands of feet deep, and so long as we choose mines that are in ground sufficiently above sea-level, neither could the rising water. It would not be difficult – not with the army of white slaves I intend to force into my control – to drill out these mine shafts further and create sufficient space. It would not be difficult to build nuclear reactors that could provide power almost indefinitely. To build greenhouses to grow food, to create space for livestock to be bred and slaughtered, and I would guess that dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided. And it would not be necessary to decide who stays up and who goes down. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. A computer could be programmed to accept or reject candidates based on factors like youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster principles of leadership and tradition. With the proper breeding techniques, and a ratio of, say, ten females to each male, we could easily rebuild the population of the United States in the hundred years or so we would have to stay down there. And then when our descendants emerged, they would be the masters of the world, and could build the greatest civilization ever yet seen!
So, to reiterate, my plan is four-fold.
1. Snake my way into the presidency.
2. Through conscription, raise an army of white slaves –‘cause black slavery is really a touchy subject – and force them to renovate the deepest mine shafts that exist at about 5,280 feet above sea-level, and build a vast civilization inside of them.
4. Go down the mineshaft, and die happy.
Oh, and then also there’s something after that about our children’s children coming out of the shaft in a hundred years or something and building some kind of utopia or whatever.
Who’s with me?!!!!
At the end of the speech, there was a thunderous applause from all three of us, and Decanus’s campaign manager started playing the Decanus Picto for President Theme Song, “Slaves Shall Serve” by everyone’s favorite blackened death metal band, Behemoth.
Need I say that BZ whole-heartedly embraces Decanus Picto (as long as the sympathetic press corps are included under the umbrella-term top government and military men), and his platform?
DECANUS FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!