The same three members of the press – representatives from BlueZer0, The Weekly World News, and Fox News – arrived for this conference, and Decanus began his address to the mini-crowd, meant to be conveyed by us to the nation’s high school students, or any students who will be at least 18 years old by 11/06/2012. So, you know, please take notes from the text below.

Good morning, students. Or, like, afternoon. You know, whatever time it is now. I forget because, like, I had planned to get up super-early for this press conference – you know, at like 10:30 – but then I slept through my alarm clock, and then by the time I got up it was like 11:45 and I was still in my boxers. And then I remembered I was supposed to be out here doing this press conference thing, and, you know. I strapped my boots on, and here I am.

President Obama says that you might not know right now. President Obama says, “Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class.” Please. How many of you really think you can do that? Do you really think you can remember where all those confusing commas and colons and whatnot go? Well, let me tell you this – I’m like twice or three times or four times as old as you, and I can’t remember that shit.

President Obama says, “Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class.” Please. You can’t even figure out how to use an iPhone. And your “science” project is going to be the same as everyone else’s – that fucking papier mache volcano with the baking soda and vinegar for lava.

Well, I say, fuck that. That’s my new campaign slogan, Fuck That. All these alternatives for all you young men and women are bullshit. President Obama says, “No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard
work.” What do we say? Fuck That. President Obama says, “I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work – that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things. But the truth is, being successful is hard.” What do we say? Fuck That. President Obama says that, “no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job.” What do we say? We say, Fuck That. Yes we can. You know how you can drop into a good job? I’ll tell you. And the best thing about it? It’s easy.

A couple weeks ago, I dunno how long, I addressed your parents about a plan for your future. I mean, not really your parents, but the parents of people several socio-economic classes above you. And it wasn’t really your future, either, it was the future of people several socio-economic classes above you. But don’t worry about that. The point here is that in Decanus Picto’s America, there is a future for the Madden-playing, glitter-applying, getting-fired-from-cashier-job, dead-end people like you. I have a plan, and it includes you. My plan is the people’s plan.

President Obama said you should stay in school. He said you should work hard and try to be something. But that’s all boring and shit. Can working hard in school compare to when you’re playing Madden and you make one of those Bob Sanders or Brian Dawkins hits, and wreck the other team’s ball-carrier? Can it compare to applying glitter to your tits, and then taking pictures of yourself that accentuate your tits but conceal how fat you are below them, so you can post them on the internet and masquerade as a hot chick? No. And you can do those things. Er, keep doing them.

How? You ask. Well here’s how: slavery. Now, when you hear the word slavery you probably think about some boring-ass history class and, like, farms, and black people, and whatever. But that’s not the slavery I’m talking about. I’m talking about new, modern day, white slavery. And here’s how it works:

You sign up to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave. And then you do whatever you want. You take those pics, drink that Listerine, drop the fuck out, just chill til the next episode. Then later some junk happens about a mine, but that’s like a long-ass way away, like four years or something. In the meantime you can do anything that you want while leaching off your parents, or if things get bad and they throw you out, you can get on public assistance. It’s only for a couple of years until I’m elected, and my slavery program begins. Did they tell you in school that slavery was bad or something like that? Fuck That. If you listened to everything they told you in school, you’d be a moron. George Washington and wooden teeth and cherry trees? All that’s a myth.

For the guys it’ll be a great adventure. First, you’ll get to go and live in a barracks. What’s that like? It’s like where soldiers sleep in boot camp. You know, rows of beds and stuff. Or like where college kids sleep. But there are no shitty, early-morning exercises, and no boring, difficult classes to attend. So, it’s like college or the military, but only the good parts. That’s awesome, right? What do you do all day? Mining. Mining is the most awesome, under-rated job on the earth. First, you get to go way, way, way down a mineshaft in the dark, and you get your very own carbide-tipped drill. Fuck yeah, right? Then you get to drill your way through rocks and shit and carve out a big-ass cavern. That’s cool, right? It’s like a first-person shooter, except instead of shooting monsters or zombies or something, you’re drilling through rocks and stuff. And then you have to load them into this elevator thing and remove them from the shaft. But other than that, it’s just like a first-person shooter, except you’re the star! TV promised you success and unlimited firepower, right? I’m delivering on that promise.

For the ladies, slavery is different, but it’s cake – literally. For the ladies, it’s like you’re all starring in your very own reality show! How awesome is that? You get to live in a barracks, too, except there are cameras every-fucking-where. Web-cams, TV cameras, random dudes rolling through taking digital footage from hand-helds – you’ll have all the attention your fathers never gave you! And then you just chill with your girlfriends and do whatever and have close relationships, and hug each other, and there’ll be free make-up and slutty clothes! Meanwhile, the footage that we shoot will be burned to DVD, available for download from a whole network of websites, and streaming live through webcams, sales from which will be in the millions, and finance this whole operation – and you will be instant superstars. Each and every one of you. And what will you do all day? Well, nothing, really. Essentially, you’ll be like a 1950s housewife. The guys’ll be doing all the work. You get to stay home. You just have to keep house, though. You know cook and stuff – occasionally hook up a cake – and then sometimes you’ll have to serve as what miners call the canary, but don’t worry about that. Mostly it’s cavorting half-naked with your girlfriends, and some cooking and cleaning stuff – no big deal – and then sometimes like sending water or whatever down the shaft for the guys. Who, by the way, will pay lots of attention to you. They’ll actually die of hunger or thirst if they don’t, so you’re guaranteed some action!

And how long do you have to do this for? Not even long enough for it to get boring. As soon as the mine is completely drilled out, those of you who survive the ordeal get to go back into the world, as superstars. The guys’ll be revered, like football players, and will have instant street-cred anywhere they go. And the girls’ll be much-photographed internet and DVD celebrities, just like the Olsen Twins [it was just too easy to insert a joke link here – Ed.]. What could be better than this? What could be easier, more satisfying, more fulfilling, more lucrative than this? You say the world isn’t perfect, and that life is hard? Decanus Picto says Fuck That!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember kids: sign up to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave, and then drop the fuck out! That’s all you have to do. President Obama says to work hard? I say, yeah, work hard at playing Madden!