The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Dover – Decanus Picto, 2012 presidential election frontrunner, has taken to the campaign trail to drum up support for his election, and to get young people from all over the country to sign up for their chance to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave.
Decanus Picto, pictured here in front of Helen’s Famous Sausage House in Dover, Delaware, which is the preferred suicide spot for many world-weary Delawareans.
Decanus’s first stop was in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where he delivered a message of hopelessness to Pittsburgheans. “People of Pittsburgh,” he said to no one in particular, “I know you think I’m just some weirdo ranting on a street corner, handing out poorly Xeroxed literature. But I assure you that I am the real prophet of doom. The end begins in 2012. Troy Polamalu is dead. I know they told you it was a knee injury. He actually had a heart attack, and is dead. Also, the Pirates slurp on nut sacks, and always will. They will one day surpass the Phillies in losses. When the shit comes down, only the elite among you will be spared, and allowed to live in my mine. But the rest of you still qualify as mine slaves. So abandon all hope, and sign up.”
Decanus’s next stop was supposed to be Philadelphia, but because of the state legislature’s failure to pass a budget, security was somewhat sketchy, and he chose to move on without stopping.
Late last night, he found himself at Helen’s Famous Sausage House, located in redneck-infested Dover, Delaware, where he addressed the lone trucker in the parking lot. “President Obama wants to waste your tax money on a missile defense system, designed to intercept ICBMs from Iran. But what about those that’ll come from North Korea? What about those that’ll come from Russia? And what good is missile defense when your cities are buried under hundreds of feet of water due to the rising sea-levels? You will all die unless you join me.” The trucker by the side of the road, who was asleep in his truck, did not respond. “This place looks familiar,” Decanus said to one of his aides. “Where are we?” When informed that he was in Delaware, he simply said, “Not for long,” got in his campaign Jeep, and was out 5000-style.
