The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
COLUMBUS, OH – Eighteen days ago The Shadow posted an earth-shaking article that included close-up photographs of the markings on the side of an authentic flying saucer – markings that may correspond to those said to be on the sides of some of the most famous UFO’s of all time, like the famous Kecksburg Acorn, the mini-triangle Jim Penniston and John Burroughs encountered in Rendlesham Forest, and even the top secret Die Glocke, more commonly known as the “Nazi Bell,” which was one of Hitler’s most revolutionary wunderwaffe, and possibly based on extraterrestrial technology. Though certain people have recreated these markings from memory, no one but The Shadow has ever produced pictures. However, since unveiling his history-making photos, he has been scarce.
The Shadow, seen here strolling through the woods, has disappeared.
After submitting his article by email from Dayton, The Shadow has been seen only a handful of times, and only at a distance. He was first seen on a MegaBus, travelling from Dayton back to Columbus, and shortly after his scheduled arrival, he was spotted at Columbus’s famous Triad Lounge. Since that time he was spotted once on Third Avenue, and that’s it. The Shadow seems to have disappeared altogether. BZ staffers sent to his sub-bridge apartment to see whether he finally drank himself to death found it completely empty, and he has not answered his cell phone.
The Shadow’s cell phone. “It’s sturdy,” he once told me. “It still works as well as it did when it was brand new.” Which is to say, it doesn't work.
BZ has feelers out in several segments of the Columbus Underground, as well as AA, NA, Weight Watchers, and the Columbus chapter of the NPA, and has placed surveillance cameras in several alleys he’s known to haunt, but there has been no sign of him. So, the question is: where has he gone? Or, more ominously, where has he been taken? It is not uncommon for UFO witnesses to be hounded, surveilled, followed, or otherwise intimidated by military, mock-military, or Men in Black. Has The Shadow been threatened and gone underground? He technically broke and entered on government property – has he been imprisoned? No one knows.
We here at BZ do not like The Shadow. He’s arrogant, cowardly, loud, drunk, high, deluded, pushy, he likes to start fights and then run away, and he delivered our fearless leader into hands of aliens, so we don’t really care that he’s gone. But we did sort of notice that he hadn’t posted in a while, which is what started the investigation. And since he does provide about 50% of our content, his disappearance is a problem for us. If you see him, don’t bother to speak to him because he’s a dick, and you’ll regret it. But do let us know. He owes us a couple of articles as per his contract.
