The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
The Hinterlands – The Shadow has been missing since July 30th, and there has been no sign of him anywhere – he has even stopped urinating on the BZ office doors, a nightly ritual of his for three years now. Desperate to contact The Shadow, we located his estranged wife, Consuela. Though she declined to speak with us about The Shadow’s whereabouts, she did issue this short statement: Ese hijo de puta me debe 43 dólares, y si no me paga, mi primo Ramón romperá las rodillas. Our BZ staffers are working on the translation, but right now they think it means that he’s with a really good or primo guy named Ramón. Where this Ramón is, we can’t say.
The Shadow, seen here drunk in a Florida jungle.
The Shadow’s growing number of creditors, including BZ, have decided to pool our funds, and hire a professional cryptozoologist to track his Shadowy Ass down. A cryptozoologist is a person who likes monsters and stuff. In recent years, dumbass shows like Monsterquest have featured many prominent cryptozoologists like Loren Coleman, Jeff Meldrum, and Ken Gerhard, as well as lots of dudes with camouflage suits who like to walk around in the woods, “tracking” creatures as varied as sasquatch, skunk ape, yeti, the abominable snowman, the Ohio grassman, and the Monster of Whitehall. Also bigfoot.
We, The Shadow’s creditors, didn’t want to splurge on a fancy TV cryptozoologist to track our skunky friend, so we are accepting applications for the newly-created position of staff cryptozoologist at BZ. The compensation packet includes: beer (fizzy, yellow, American beer that’s like $5 for a 12-pack – don’t touch my New Castle Brown, bitch), and nightly use of our flashlight. All applicants should have: the willingness and ability to walk around in the dark knowing that they’ll find nothing, a pair of boots, their own night-vision and thermal imaging equipment, a cool name and/or catchphrase, and at least seven years of marketing experience.
Send résumés, cover letters, and headshots to: sexcult@bluezer0.net
