The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After several days of waiting, and many days of utter confusion, the outcome of the BlueZer0 Semi-Annual Album of the Year Review (now with reader participation!) has been determined in a way that. . . requires explanation. As mentioned in the above-cited article and elsewhere, BZ hired a data mining company to do demographic research on our readers and determine which records they purchased in 2010. The list furnished to us was:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – Days after winning the write-in vote in BZ’s album of the year contest, space musician and politician Decanus Picto has roused himself from a Boddingtons-induced stupor to comment on the situation, and update the public on his recent doings. I (what? I like this joke, and this is where I took the name from), having recently returned from the hospital after an exploding gobstobber-related incident (I’m permanently switching to SweeTarts – safety first), was there when he woke, and recorded the following interview.


The Fat Kid took this creepy picture while standing over a sleeping Decanus Picto late this afternoon. Picto gave an interview after waking, but did not sit up, or change his position in any way.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last Saturday Decanus Picto campaign supporters opened www.DecanusPicto.com and found something they actually wanted to see – a girl. Hackers from around the world have long regarded BZ and its subsidiary sites (www.DecanusPicto.com, www.Amazon.com, www.FatSociopathicParanormalReportersUnion.com, and a host of others) as a holy grail of hacking, but until Saturday none had ever managed to breach BZ’s security protocol. This may bode ill for Decanus. As campaign season approaches, and potential candidates like Sarah Palin, that black dude that sold pizza, and that other black dude (ol’ whatshisname) begin to position themselves in their respective parties’ sights, they have found that Decanus, being his party’s only prospective candidate, has a head start on them. He even has his whole campaign platform worked out ahead of time. Their supporters and tech-savvy character assassins have, therefore, become desperate and breached the security of our well-guarded website, and have attempted to slander Picto by associating him with super-hot chicks, even though Jesus clearly states that super-hot chicks are bad.

This super-hot chick, who appears to be some kind of naughty nurse or French maid, was for several hours the main event on www.DecanusPicto.com. Thank fuck her picture has been taken down. Otherwise, Jesus would get real mad.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – In the wake of the hacking of www.DecanusPicto.com , BZ staffers have been working around the clock, trying to repair any holes in BZ and its subsidiary sites’ security, and investigating the breach. Still operating under the assumption that this attack was politically motivated, and was perpetrated by employees of one of the major party candidates, BZ will attempt to trace the origin of the attack. We would not be surprised to find that it was launched from Alaska, Atlanta, or Chicago. In the meantime, we have decided to set up a straw poll to try to determine exactly where Decanus Picto does stand in relation to the other candidates. Please vote below.

Presidential Straw Poll: Vote For Your POTUS Favorite

Sarah Palin

Herman Cain

Barack Obama

Wayne Allen Root

Newt Gingrich

Decanus Picto

Tom Miller

Mitt Romney

Donald Trump

Ralph Nader

Ron Paul

Becky Rusher

View ResultsVote Now

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Sarah Palin0%

Herman Cain0%

Barack Obama0%

Wayne Allen Root0%

Newt Gingrich0%

Decanus Picto0%

Tom Miller0%

Mitt Romney0%

Donald Trump0%

Ralph Nader0%

Ron Paul0%

Becky Rusher0%

Other: (Please specify)0%

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