Picto, informed of the attack, and shown the awful picture, said, “Um, yeah, dude. Is this her? Like, is she the hacker? Cause maybe we could sort of sue her or something, and then settle out of court. You know that thing they do, where, like, the terms are undisclosed or something. Cause, you know. . .” Candidate Picto was too distraught to go on.

The official statement issued by www.DecanusPicto.com reads:

Decanus Picto is shocked and appalled that someone would put such a picture up on a family website that is intended to be part of the democratic process – a process which all Americans, even minors, need to participate in. We apologize to all the innocent children who saw the picture, and can only pray that they aren’t scarred for life by having seen god’s X-rated creation. Let us pray: Oh, Lord, please protect our children from the super-hot chicks that you sent to take care of them. We know the visage you pleased to bestow upon them heartily offends thee, and that it could totally kill the little kids that you regularly send into the world through these very same chicks’ filthy and scary nether parts. Therefore, in future, please see to it that all children are blind, and also that they have some kind of crazy nerve damage that’ll keep them from feeling anything. Because if children press up against women (which of course would be an ultra sin) and actually feel it, you know how little dude kids are – it could cause a whole set of problems that might lead to them thinking about super-hot chicks (like their babysitters and classmates and stuff, or even that one hot cousin they have), which would create a black hole at the center of the sun that would consume us all into an everlasting and super-dense singularity of plasmatic metals and gasses, which would really hurt. So, you know, blindness and crippling nerve damage are just basic child safety illnesses that would ensure that children aren’t corrupted by your most beautiful – but also filthiest – creation, which none of us should ever look at unless they’re wearing one of those crazy desert-people headscarf things that covers them entirely except for that little eye slit. We ask it in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Responding to the hackers, The Reformed Church of Biaveh, one of Picto’s biggest supporters, has sent several shrill parents to harangue the other candidates, who aren’t nearly upset enough about how women look without their clothes on.

We here at BlueZer0 kind of like this, though. I mean, not the picture that we certainly did NOT save to an outwardly benign-looking folder of horrors on our desktop, or the links that we didn’t dare click on, but the fact that our opposition is running scared. All of our readers know that BlueZer0 supports Decanus Picto 100% – we report on his doings, disseminate his propaganda, affect the outcome of otherwise fair contests, and do all kinds of crazy shit to put him uppermost in the minds of his constituents, and to threaten the monopoly of power currently held by the so-called mainstream politicians. And it’s working. So, fuck off reality star and PILF candidate Sarah Palin. We got your number. We’re coming for you. Filthy bitch.