The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Last Saturday Decanus Picto campaign supporters opened www.DecanusPicto.com and found something they actually wanted to see – a girl. Hackers from around the world have long regarded BZ and its subsidiary sites (www.DecanusPicto.com, www.Amazon.com, www.FatSociopathicParanormalReportersUnion.com, and a host of others) as a holy grail of hacking, but until Saturday none had ever managed to breach BZ’s security protocol. This may bode ill for Decanus. As campaign season approaches, and potential candidates like Sarah Palin, that black dude that sold pizza, and that other black dude (ol’ whatshisname) begin to position themselves in their respective parties’ sights, they have found that Decanus, being his party’s only prospective candidate, has a head start on them. He even has his whole campaign platform worked out ahead of time. Their supporters and tech-savvy character assassins have, therefore, become desperate and breached the security of our well-guarded website, and have attempted to slander Picto by associating him with super-hot chicks, even though Jesus clearly states that super-hot chicks are bad.
This super-hot chick, who appears to be some kind of naughty nurse or French maid, was for several hours the main event on www.DecanusPicto.com. Thank fuck her picture has been taken down. Otherwise, Jesus would get real mad.
Picto, informed of the attack, and shown the awful picture, said, “Um, yeah, dude. Is this her? Like, is she the hacker? Cause maybe we could sort of sue her or something, and then settle out of court. You know that thing they do, where, like, the terms are undisclosed or something. Cause, you know. . .” Candidate Picto was too distraught to go on.
The official statement issued by www.DecanusPicto.com reads:
Decanus Picto is shocked and appalled that someone would put such a picture up on a family website that is intended to be part of the democratic process – a process which all Americans, even minors, need to participate in. We apologize to all the innocent children who saw the picture, and can only pray that they aren’t scarred for life by having seen god’s X-rated creation. Let us pray: Oh, Lord, please protect our children from the super-hot chicks that you sent to take care of them. We know the visage you pleased to bestow upon them heartily offends thee, and that it could totally kill the little kids that you regularly send into the world through these very same chicks’ filthy and scary nether parts. Therefore, in future, please see to it that all children are blind, and also that they have some kind of crazy nerve damage that’ll keep them from feeling anything. Because if children press up against women (which of course would be an ultra sin) and actually feel it, you know how little dude kids are – it could cause a whole set of problems that might lead to them thinking about super-hot chicks (like their babysitters and classmates and stuff, or even that one hot cousin they have), which would create a black hole at the center of the sun that would consume us all into an everlasting and super-dense singularity of plasmatic metals and gasses, which would really hurt. So, you know, blindness and crippling nerve damage are just basic child safety illnesses that would ensure that children aren’t corrupted by your most beautiful – but also filthiest – creation, which none of us should ever look at unless they’re wearing one of those crazy desert-people headscarf things that covers them entirely except for that little eye slit. We ask it in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Responding to the hackers, The Reformed Church of Biaveh, one of Picto’s biggest supporters, has sent several shrill parents to harangue the other candidates, who aren’t nearly upset enough about how women look without their clothes on.
We here at BlueZer0 kind of like this, though. I mean, not the picture that we certainly did NOT save to an outwardly benign-looking folder of horrors on our desktop, or the links that we didn’t dare click on, but the fact that our opposition is running scared. All of our readers know that BlueZer0 supports Decanus Picto 100% – we report on his doings, disseminate his propaganda, affect the outcome of otherwise fair contests, and do all kinds of crazy shit to put him uppermost in the minds of his constituents, and to threaten the monopoly of power currently held by the so-called mainstream politicians. And it’s working. So, fuck off reality star and PILF candidate Sarah Palin. We got your number. We’re coming for you. Filthy bitch.