The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week’s article had mainly to do with the straw poll that was meant to show Decanus’ dominance in the field of potential presidential candidates, and it certainly does show that. Though our online poll is still accepting votes, right now Decanus has a gigantic 57% of the vote, besting unbelievably fleet-footed, anti-MLK congressman Ron Paul (who, frankly, would be better off if social pressure forced him to hide his activities) by a full 15%. Assuming BZ’s readership is a representative sample of the American public, Decanus should win the 2012 election by a landslide. But we already knew that. What we didn’t know was what our pudgiest IT guy (and that’s saying a lot) would tell us about the attack on www.DecanusPicto.com.


According to some fat guy with glasses who works on a computer all day or something, the hack attack on www.DecanusPicto.com was not launched from Chicago, Anchorage, or Atlanta, but right here in Columbus. Sort of. That is, the signal came from this alley in Worthington.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – In the wake of BZ’s almost scientifically conclusive straw poll, potential Republican candidates are hesitant to announce whether they are running in their pathetic party’s primary election.

That wacky Sarah is going to kill the other GOP candidates in the primary – if she ever cops to what we already know.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Michigan – Former Decanus Picto and the Biaviians laptop D’arcy Wretzky (also a former member of The Smashing Pumpkins), is currently in jail because of an incident involving horses.

Wretzky’s mug shot shows the effects of botched plastic surgery. Poor girl.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Worthington – As long-time readers know, BZ’s second favorite reporter, The Shadow, has been missing since July of 2010, after posting a ground-breaking article that included close-up photos of a genuine flying saucer hidden in an underground hangar at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. However, he was spotted last night at one of Worthington’s hottest night spots, PK O’Ryan’s.

The waitress, who asked that her name be withheld, totally narced on him, and said that earlier in the night, The Shadow got trashed out of his head next to this dude in a purple suit.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Delaware County, PA – A friend of BZ staffers captured the below image while driving on PA Route 452 just north of Wilmington, Delaware yesterday. We at BZ investigated the offending asshats’ website, and discovered that they are predicting a different End of World (EoW) date than 12/21/2012, which Mayans and foil-hatted new-agers like us have agreed on for the better part of four years now.

The people in this truck believe different silly shit than the silly shit we believe, so we’re pissed.