The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago The Fat Kid reported that The long-lost Shadow had been spotted at Worthington’s best Irish pub, PK O’Ryan’s. He then stationed himself at the bar to await The Shadow’s return. We at BZ headquarters started to worry after three or four days with no word from his fatness, and I was sent to look for him. I did not find The Fat Kid there, but I was told that he had faithfully manned his post, and that he had even been sleeping in the parking lot after they closed. But alcohol got the best of him, and eventually he stumbled out in much the same state as The Shadow did last week.

The Fat Kid, totally wrecked. His course of drunkenness went first through Guinness, but later changed tracks to Miller Lite. Facilitating this kind of lifestyle is one of BZ’s institutional failings. It’s tragic that we sometimes have to switch from Guinness to Miller Lite due to lootlessness.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Last night, The Shadow actually showed up to do the first part of the interview about his disappearance in July of 2010, as per our negotiated agreement. I guess he’s pretty desperate to stay out of the clink after what happened to him last time he was on the inside. After getting over my shock and alarm, I set up recording equipment, brought out some beer, and we went to work. In the interest of saving time, rather than having BZ wage slaves transcribe the interview, I elected to simply upload the (audio-only) interview as one of those weak-ass YouTube videos where there are just pictures and stuff, and audio to go with it. This has proven to be a poor strategy as it has actually taken much more time than anticipated, but. . . whatever. It’s done now.

Part 1.1

This picture isn’t really relevant to this interview, it’s just me, flashing our new logo at you, like BAM!!!!! We’s professional now. We got a logo and everything.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Finally, after days and days of having uploads cancelled due to unknown errors, part two of my interview with The Shadow has been posted.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this, the thrilling conclusion to my interview with The Shadow, his furriness reveals what the aliens wanted with him, and the questions they asked him. The drunken Shadow then walks out, taking my last Sierra Nevada Glissade with him. Fucking bastard.

NEXT TIME: a new interview with The Shadow, featuring PICTURES THE SHADOW TOOK WHILE ON BOARD THE SAUCER, and their eerie connection with the coming end of life as we know it. But for right now, just listen to the interview.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago I had The Shadow right here in the Fat Cave answering interview questions, and after about half an hour he stormed out, taking my last beer with him. I did not see The Shadow again until last night. After a heated email exchange in which I threatened to have him arrested for hacking the site, he agreed to come in and talk. I would just post the audio files of the interview, but that format killed our numbers over the last two weeks – apparently you people would rather read than listen – so I’ve had BZ wage slaves transcribe the next segment of the interview with The Shadow. In future, this will be our interview format. Happy reading. You fucking nerds.

An as yet uninterpreted Mayan glyph, rendered in a shiny metal of unknown origin (therefore it must be extraterrestrial. Cause, you know, we know everything, what with computers and all, so how could there possibly be anything we don’t know about? I mean, there’s Wikipedia and stuff. . .).

That fat fuck will use these texts to decode the strange glyphs The Shadow left in the Fat Cave.