The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago I had The Shadow right here in the Fat Cave answering interview questions, and after about half an hour he stormed out, taking my last beer with him. I did not see The Shadow again until last night. After a heated email exchange in which I threatened to have him arrested for hacking the site, he agreed to come in and talk. I would just post the audio files of the interview, but that format killed our numbers over the last two weeks – apparently you people would rather read than listen – so I’ve had BZ wage slaves transcribe the next segment of the interview with The Shadow. In future, this will be our interview format. Happy reading. You fucking nerds.
An as yet uninterpreted Mayan glyph, rendered in a shiny metal of unknown origin (therefore it must be extraterrestrial. Cause, you know, we know everything, what with computers and all, so how could there possibly be anything we don’t know about? I mean, there’s Wikipedia and stuff. . .).
That fat fuck will use these texts to decode the strange glyphs The Shadow left in the Fat Cave.
In any case, The Shadow came back not just spouting off stories, but he also brought hard evidence of. . . something. . . with him.
[Editor’s note: Preliminary bullshit has been expunged from the record.]
FK: So, what happened once you were on board the ship? Last time you said they didn’t take you home. Where did they take you?
TS: Well, if I’m pressed to say, I really don’t know. Space looks pretty much the same. You know, black with white dots and shit. It doesn’t look like it does in those Hubble pictures and whatever. They add all those colors after the fact. In real life, it’s just black with white dots every-fucking-where.
FK: But, I mean, what happened to you?
TS: Well, I was just there on board the ship for a long time, at first. I mean, I got the feeling that they were planning to try to use me as a bargaining chip of some kind, because every so often they’d want to talk to me again, and essentially ask me the same questions they had already asked. But then they’d start asking me who my contacts were. I think they got the notion that I was someone important in the government and that I was worth something, and then they seemed to be trying to run with the idea that my contacts in the military were important people who’d maybe bargain for me or something. I quickly disabused them of that notion, though. And then they were pretty frustrated.
FK: And what it is that you think they wanted? As in, you said that they thought they could use you as a bargaining chip – what did they want? The ship?
TS: Yeah, I think so. I think they wanted their saucer back. Still do.
FK: For what? Isn’t that a little unusual?
TS: Yeah, I’d say so.
FK: I mean, they have lost many saucers here, right? And they never really fought to get them back before, did they?
TS: No. Not to the best of my knowledge.
FK: So, what was special about this one?
TS: Well, that’s the thing. There was something in that saucer, something that they want away from here by. . . a certain date.
FK: That’s a pretty loaded thing to say. What date are you talking about? Like, the date? As in,  days from now?
TS: Yeah, that’s right.
FK: So, what exactly are you saying here? There are a lot of implications that need to be unpacked. It looks like you’re saying that the grays want this thing, whatever it is, out of here by the Mayan Calendar’s end [12/21/2012]. Is that right?
TS: Yeah, that’s right.
FK: And that implies that they have inside knowledge about the Mayan date, and that it’s valid.
TS: Also correct.
FK: Could you be. . . I dunno, somewhat more expansive about this? There’s stuff that you’re not saying that you need to say.
TS: No, there really isn’t. I already said too much. Yes, the Mayan date is correct. It’s valid. The world ends in 2012. And they – the grays – have left some things on this planet over the years that they’re starting to collect up. They’ve lost some discs, but there wasn’t really that much to worry about for a long time. It’s serious technology, and the isotopes of element 115 that they use are highly unstable in certain circumstances, but reverse engineering is a myth, at least as it refers to saucers. Bob Lazar is a fake – he never went to MIT, or Cal-Tech or anywhere else except some junior college. All that is misinformation. Nobody here can really do anything with them, so when they lose discs, they just let them sit there until the next extinction level event, or until they really want them back in which case they disappear the whole population, like they did to the Mayans, and then they pick up their stuff and go home. But the thing that’s coming has the potential to do something serious.
FK: Well, what’s coming?
TS: I’m not saying.
FK: Do you really even know?
TS: Yeah, you fat fuck. Quetzalcoatl. The Feathered Serpent. He’s coming back. And it’s gonna be fucking ugly
FK: How do you know this?
TS: Look, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Fuck you, you fat fuck. When am I getting my next paycheck?
FK: Well, you owe us a bunch of articles, plus whatever we choose to say the damages are for hacking the site, so probably not for a long-ass time.
At this point there was a scuffle in the Fat Cave. The Shadow punched me in my eye muscle, rifled through my wallet, and ran out. But as he ran out, he forgot to take his coat, in which there was a Fuji A600 digital camera that had many strange pictures on it. Here are some of the strangest ones:
What these pictures are of, we here at BZ have not yet determined. What we can say is that they contain glyphs that appear to show the Mayan god Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent, in several different postures. For those of you who don’t know, Quetzalcoatl is a powerful god that visited the earth at the beginning of Mayan civilization and gave them many technologies, including several rather mysterious ones that enabled them to erect their temples and create their calendars. He left shortly thereafter, but promised to return in the future. Mayanists speculate that “the future” means the end of the Mayan calendar – 12/21/2012 – and associate his return with the event will cause the end of the world.
I have obtained some manuals for the interpretation of Mayan glyphs, and will get to work translating these pictures immediately. In the meantime, however, the bigger questions we are faced with are where did these glyphs come from? and in what context might one find Mayan hieroglyphs rendered in what appears to be steel?