The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago The Fat Kid reported that The long-lost Shadow had been spotted at Worthington’s best Irish pub, PK O’Ryan’s. He then stationed himself at the bar to await The Shadow’s return. We at BZ headquarters started to worry after three or four days with no word from his fatness, and I was sent to look for him. I did not find The Fat Kid there, but I was told that he had faithfully manned his post, and that he had even been sleeping in the parking lot after they closed. But alcohol got the best of him, and eventually he stumbled out in much the same state as The Shadow did last week.
The Fat Kid, totally wrecked. His course of drunkenness went first through Guinness, but later changed tracks to Miller Lite. Facilitating this kind of lifestyle is one of BZ’s institutional failings. It’s tragic that we sometimes have to switch from Guinness to Miller Lite due to lootlessness.
Wandering in search of fat people is not a good strategy. Instead, one should look for them in their favorite place of repose which, for The Fat Kid, means The Fat Cave. I did indeed find him there, passed out amidst the wreckage of the previous night’s debauch. On waking he said, “I once knew a guy. . . you look like him. . . he wasn’t, either.” This was all the verbiage he found himself able to produce. However, after several more hours of rest, he was able to speak with me about what happened at the pub. A transcript of the interview is below.
TFR: Um. . . so, what’s up, dude?
FK: Nothing.
TFR: Where have you been? I mean, I know you were at PK O’Ryans for a couple of days, but, you know, what happened after that? We started to think you had disappeared, too.
FK: I just went on a bender. It’s hard to sit in a bar and just wait for somebody and not drink, and once you start drinking, it’s even harder to be there for the whole time they’re open and limit yourself. I just got accustomed to being trashed, and then when I started running low on loot, I decided to hit the LQ instead of paying bar prices. And, uh. . . now I’m here.
TFR: Any sign of The Shadow?
FK: Well, sort of. I didn’t see him at the bar, but I did run into him on the bus on the way home. He’s got a hell of a story to tell, too. Or so he says. I can’t quite recall the details at the moment, but there are plans for getting that going.
TFR: What do you mean by that?
FK: Well, in exchange for immunity, The Shadow has agreed to tell us everything that happened to him since he disappeared in July of 2010.
TFR: So. . . when? I mean, he doesn’t have a great track record of keeping appointments, you know?
FK: Yeah, well, this time there’s incentive. He’s in debt, and we know he’s done something illegal. He’ll go to prison if we press charges against him for hacking the site, so he’ll do what we say.
TFR: So, what’s going to happen?
FK: Well, he’s going to start coming by and telling me the story in pieces, and I’m going to make weekly posts of it. He claims it’s a hell of a story, too.
TFR: We’ll see, I guess. Any clues about what happened to him?
FK: Well, I know the rough outline, but I can’t reveal anything. He wants to tell it his own way, and I feel like accommodating him in that is probably wise.
So there you have it. If you’re fool enough to believe that The Shadow will keep his appointment, then you may also be fool enough to believe that The Fat Kid will begin posting this allegedly awesome story. Check back for updates!!!!!
